Running Away

I've expressed my overwhelming desire to run away to all of my nearest and dearest in the last few weeks. I have this staggering feeling that life would be much better if I would just disappear, stop worrying about whatever my problems are here in the city and escape for awhile. This desire is partially fueled by the fact that I just can't seem to get a handle on the mess that has become my life anymore. It is partially fueled by a film I saw last week, Into the Wild, which I believe is being released this friday. Please go see it. It is beautifully directed by Sean Penn, acted by Emile Hirsch, and sung by Eddie Vedder. I highly recommend it. During the q&a after the film, Sean Penn, while speaking about the journey of the main character said, "in our culture, rites of passage are seen as a luxury. They're not. They're a neccesity."

I couldn't agree more. I don't feel that I have lost out on that experience in my life. On the contrary, I feel like I have done it several times, and at the culmination of each experience, I have emerged a more complete human being. These events occur, sometimes in solitude, sometimes in connection with others, but ultimately bring me to a new level of understanding. I feel that I just completed one, in fact. It wasn't neccesarily a triumphant completion, but I do feel that I have just learned something new about myself and the world - something that I could only have learned through trial and error, love, hate, joy, happiness, pain and loss. These are all critical elements. The bad makes the good better, and all that sort of thing.

So, I'm off on a new soul-search. It seems physically running away from my life in New York isn't truly an option. Financially, it is completely infeasable. It would also result in the abandonment of several relationships and endeavors that I don't feel I can or should walk away from just yet. So, I've decided on a different course of action. I'm taking up running. I've run before, yes, but this seems like a more spiritual decision than my past "I feel fat, I guess I'll go running" state of mind.

I have decided that I really like the idea of training for a marathon. I haven't the slightest idea how to begin this plan. I've never been a serious runner, in fact I used to absolutely HATE running. I don't come from a family of runners, I come from a family of smokers. I don't have the best knee or hip joints, due to my dancer's upbringing. I used to be rather big and fat, owing to my lack of experience in this field. However, now I am small and thin, and feel such a difference in my stamina and ability. I can easily (ok, not TOO easily), run the track at the Onasis Reservoir (1.58 miles) without stopping or walking. I know that doesn't sound like much to a "real" runner, but it's a big deal for me. I get around that track in about 15 minutes, although, I've yet to aquire the acoutrements to really time myself. I suppose that will be one of the next steps. I actually enjoy this running. I feel like I'm getting away from something I don't like in my life, I feel like I'm releasing good energy into the world, I feel a sense of accomplishment.

So this is my plan, my next rite of passage. The New York Marathon is in early November of each year. I don't for a moment delude myself into thinking that I could run this year's marathon. However, I would really like to train for a year and shoot for running in the 2008 race. Is this too steep a goal for me to achieve? I think not. I mean, I've managed to achieve some pretty remarkable things in my life, just because I told myself I would.

So that is the goal. Running away from this feeling of unhappiness, of a loss of direction. Running. Just running. Probably needing a great deal of help along the way, but that's true of every rite of passage. And who knows, when it's all over and done, perhaps I will have learned something very valuable. Might as well start now. I'm certainly not getting any younger.

"Baby this town rips the bones from your back
Its a death trap, its a suicide rap
We gotta get out while were young
`cause tramps like us, baby we were born to run"

Ashes, ashes, we all fall down.

It feels like my world has fallen down around me. It all happened in a matter of about 48 hours, a little over a week ago, and I am having the worst time ever of trying to pick myself up and move on. I know that everyone feels this way sometimes. I've been watching friends and family go through it a lot recently. I just somehow thought that I was immune to it. I thought that for some reason, all the good things I'd been feeling and experiencing lately were impervious to such a fall. I put my faith and my trust into the people that I love, because that is the kind of creature I am. A stupid creature, apparently. A creature who has now given completely of herself, only to end up empty, with nothing left to give, and nothing to build myself back up.

And I thought this part was over. It all feels like some kind of demented child's game. Chutes and ladders for the grown-ups. Ring-around-the-rosy. Hide-and-seek. Only the rules are different, and no one is the winner. Everyone goes home hurt and crying and alone. Hearts and bones and spirits get broken. There is only enough energy to sleep and to cry. There is no resolution, only the half-hope, half-fear that the cycle will come around to good again, but that next time it will stay that way.

And most frustrating of all, is the realization that I might never be worth it. All that I am might never be enough to fight for. And that, dear friends, is the most heartbreaking feeling of all.