Redbird - Lovebird

Well folks, it's true. It all happened in a flash, but aforementioned head-over-heels falling has led to the unimaginable (at least for me). Southern in the City is getting married, and for the next year or so shifting into the mode of being Southern BRIDE in the city. Wedding plans have begun, and are shaping up to be very interesting indeed! Mostly though I'm just happy about my future, and the fact that I get to spend it with the most wonderful man in the world. Heretofore, we'll just call him Bee. Check back for wedding updates and even a new indie-bride blog, in the works with a fellow lovebird. Holy crap, who woulda thought?



"I believe when I fall in love with you it will be forever..."
- Stevie Wonder

To Live is to Fly

My God, it has been a LONG LONG time since a post! So much living has happened in the last six, almost seven months! It's almost more than I can wrap my mind around. I suppose '09 started in the same sort of haze that ended '08. I snapped out of it a bit early in the year, did some soul searching, and ended up with a new tattoo. A little red swallow on my left wrist, with the world "volare" printed alongside. Latin for "fly". Reminding me, at every moment, to rise above the things that have pulled me down, and will no doubt threaten to do the same again. It reminds me that to live is to fly. Someone picked up on that recently, and I fell in love with him.

Yes. You read that correctly. Let me backtrack. In the early days of 2009, I was blindsided with the return of the boy. It wasn't a dramatic, or tearful, or violent return. It was strangely calm. We began to re-learn how to care about each other. We learned how to be friends, and how to atone for the ways in which we had wronged each other in the past, and to forgive for the ways we had been hurt. It was neccesary. He was here in the neighborhood and in my life for a few months. And in those months, a lot of wounds were healed. His struggles were his own, and not mine to shoulder. And I was finally, definitively able to end that chapter of my life. Things wrapped themselves up in a way that was settled, and clean, and just ok. It was bittersweet, but good. It was what I needed.

And then...

Life completely changed. At a time when I least expected it, I found the most perfect man in the world. He was nothing I was looking for and turned out to be everything I needed. And since that magical Little Rock wedding weekend back at the end of May, I have felt happier and more at ease than I thought life could even afford. Now don't get me wrong, it is not without its obstacles. There are complications. There is distance. But most importantly, and at the bottom of it all, there is love. I have taken a leap of faith, and he hasn't let me fall. It is the best feeling in the world. I don't ever want it to end.

In addition to being in love (or maybe, because of being in love...), life has been pretty stellar. I was fortunate to be a member of the company for "Us", in addition to working on the costumes for it. It was a spectacularly successful, and I'm happy to continue working on it. I've had some great auditions, spent really wonderful time with close friends, and I'm working on several weddings that are really important to me. I am currently getting extremely excited about the upcoming McLemore-Stratton nuptuals, as they will be another oppurtunity to celebrate friends in love, and re-unite with my nearest and dearest.

Mom just came up for a visit, a whole week in NYC! We had a wonderful time, saw two excellent shows, and the entire periphery of Manhattan, thanks to the Circle Line. It was a wonderful visit, and made me wish I got to spend more time with Nance.

So yes, life is...as close to perfect as it's been. I can't wait to see how it continues to unfold.

"Maybe you should just say 'artist'."

Sitting and waiting for bridal clients has become my new version of "weekending". That's just one of many new developments in the infancy of '09.

I am finding myself with increasingly diversified interests, occupations, and companionship. On a recent evening out in Brooklyn, with one of those companions, heretofore known simply as "The Italian", I was engaged in small talk with an acquaintance of his. It didn't take long for the dreaded "So, what do you do?" question to surface. I geared myself up for what would certainly be a long explanation. I used to say "I'm an actress." But, that seems like a bit of a stretch these days - I do some acting here and there, but it has been awhile since I've worked on a role that made me feel like it was truly my reason for living. That sounds far more depressing as I type it. I have worked in the last year, but as yet, nothing has been able to top the experience I had working on Grace in "Bride". Sad but true. So, this is not how I define my profession. It's part of it, but not all. Because you see, I'm also involved with a the RTC in an administrative capacity, and I am a Playwright, I have become something of an accessory designer...or person who glues things together and sells them, and lastly, leastly (but sadly, most lucratively) I am a bridal consultant, and sales rep. I attempted to briefly summarize my occupations as such, after which I was greeted with a blank, blinking stare and the following:

"Yeah. Maybe you should just say 'artist'."

How true, how true. I guess that would sort of sum it up. I find that when you say artist most people assume you live in a drafty industrial loft surrounded by drop cloths and paint. But I suppose, for the purposes of bar-chat with people I'll never see again, it doesn't really matter what they assume.

So, in 2009, I am calling myself an artist. I am also (hopefully more than in years past) taking advantage of my gym membership - with the current goal being to complete a half marathon in June, and get myself back down to ideal fighting weight. I've found that I've sort of let myself go in the last few months, paying little attention to how much absolute crap I've been eating. And now it's time to pay the piper. I'm a little under six weeks away from my 27th birthday (oh christ, that's late twenties), and I intend to be in considerably better physical condition when that day arrives. We shall see how I manage this.

2008 Ended on a note of financial clusterfuck. I can only hope that this improves this year. It seems to be a constantly exhaustive struggle to keep my head above water and escape creditors. Not good. At all. Here's hoping that the supplemental income generated by The Red Bird will have some kind of a positive effect on finances. Add to that the possibility of making a little money off of acting this year, and I'm feeling optimistic at least. The thing about having absolutely nothing is that you have absolutely nothing to lose. So there you go.

I'm hoping to actually be able to foster a little bit more of my development as an actor this year than I did in the last. I'm starting a scene study class on tuesday, which I am extremely excited about. I'm also joining a newly formed Shakespeare company to experiment with and workshop the work of the bard, so that is definitely exciting too. I have made a promise to myself not to let the day job stifle everything about the soul job anymore. I am also spending far more time writing than I have in a very long time. Having completed the first draft of my script, I intend to be doing a great deal more work on it in the coming weeks and months, and hopefully getting it out into the world.

On the connection with others front, I feel optimistic. I have a renewed and deepened love for old friends, and am excited to spend time with them as they are growing into these amazing adults. This seems to be the year of the engagement in my circle of friends, so I am anticipating lots of beautiful upcoming weddings in '09and beyond. I'm spending time with the people who mean the most to me whenever possible, and that feels good. I don't feel the need to be the life of the party, the center of attention, or the it girl in the room (not that I ever was). I feel mellower, picking and choosing my social engagements based on who I really want to spend time with rather than just a desire to go out and distract myself from my own shortcomings and failures. I feel like I may have pulled the final barbs of toxic relationships past out of my flesh. I feel at peace with burying their vestiges. I feel ready for new and better things.

So, although it's start was rocky, and a bit melancholy, I welcome 2009 with the best of intentions. No resolutions this year, only the effort to be the best version of myself at every turn.

Happy New Year.

Christ-Mix '08

If you're a devoted reader of this blog (or just a devoted friend of mine) then you know of my affinity for Christmas Music. It borders on shameful. This year, the mix was a tag-team undertaking, with myself and lil miss Late Bloomer tackling the beast. We were pleased with the choices and the layout, and set about turning it into a .zip and sharing it online. Somewhere in that process (because we are perhaps moderately "special"), the order of the playlist got flubbed. I don't know about these things. Nonetheless, here is the playlist (as we intended it) and the link if you wish to download. It's much more mellow, and dare I say, melancholy than any previous mix - but hey, it's a recession, and life and general has been nothing short of bittersweet in '08. Enjoy...

"All My Friends, I've Returned to Sister Winter"
1. Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers - "Christmas All Over Again"
2. Allen Toussaint - "The Day it Snows on Christmas"
3. Sufjan Stevens - "Sister Winter"
4. Jason Robert Brown - "Christmas Lullaby"
5. Dave Matthews & Tim Reynolds - "Christmas Song"
6. The Jackson 5 - Up on the Housetop
7. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation - "The jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nut house"
8. Robert Earl Keen - "Merry Christmas From The Family"
9. Kermit the Frog - "The Christmas Wish"
10. Johnny Cash - "Blue Christmas"
11. Pete Yorn - "Do They Know it's Christmas"
12. The Pogues - "Fairytale of New York"
13. Cindy Lauper - "Feels Like Christmas"
14. Calexico - "Gift X-Change"
15. Stephen Colbert - "Another Christmas Song"
16. Sufjan Stevens - "O Come, O Come Emmanuel"
17. James Taylor - "In the Bleak Midwinter"
18. Eartha Kitt - "Santa Baby"
19. Joan Osborne - "What Do Bad Girls Get?"
20. Wham - "Last Christmas (I gave you my heart)"
21. The Ramones - "Merry Christmas (I don't want to fight)"
22. Dean Martin - "I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm"
23. Bing Crosby & David Bowie - "Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy"
24. Joni Mitchell - "River"
25. Bob Dylan - "Winterlude"
26. Tom Waits - "Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis"
27. Harry Nilsson - "Remember"
28. Judy Garland - "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas"
29. Stacie Orrico - "What are You Doing New Years Eve"

link: http://www.mediafire.com/?sharekey=de4feb0d83fcd7f0d2db6fb9a8902bda

notes...
Track 3 - Absolutely haunting, I've been unable to get it out of my head.
Track 4 - From one of my favorite musicals, Songs For A New World
Tracks 7&8 - That would be, the Sessoms Family
Track 14 - Was on a mix I received last year, and although it brings to mind the bittersweet memories of lost love, it has remained one of my favorite year-round songs. And I hope he did make it home.
Tracks 16&17 - My two favorite traditional Christmas Hymns
Track 17 - Is always on my mix. RIP, Lady Kitt
Tracks 23&27 - Mom's picks. She vividly remembers watching the TV special that Bowie appeared on as a teenager, and has always loved this arrangement. You might remember 26 from the trippy animated film "The Point" which Mom had me watch countless times as a child.
Track 28 - That part of Meet Me In St. Louis always, ALWAYS makes me cry.
Track 29 - Well?

The Red Bird

Take a look at my latest creative undertaking, The Red Bird.

A collection of unique handmade accessories, using feathers and vintage materials. You can find me on Etsy at theredbirddesigns.etsy.com. Take a look, and keep checking in for more updates soon!

On a Roll!

I ran everyday this week! This is good.

"I wanna go to heaven for the weather, hell for the company...

...I wanna go to heaven for the weather, hell seems like fun to me!"
- Mike Skinner



It's completely unexplainable, but I'm just ridiculously happy these days. I imagine there are a lot of factors at play here, but the ones that I can readily name are these:

1. The absolutely perfect autumn weather, the smell of the leaves, the sunlight on the river, and the vibrant colors of the late morning into the mid-afternoon. I LOVE the fall. Just the smell and crunch and breeze of it is enough to put a huge silly perma-grin on my face.

2. Running in Astoria Park while enjoying the above. I am nowhere near the running shape that I was in last winter before I stopped training, but I'm sure I'll get there.

3. I love my home. Love it. I love spending time here, and being near good friends.

4. I'm not working at the loft anymore. It's amazing what a difference that makes.

5. I am optimistic about the coming year. I don't know why. I am completely unsure of what is happening in my life right now, but I feel like whatever is coming is good. I am thinking positively about things rather than the opposite. Why had that become my default? Ew.

6. No more artificial hormones in my body. Done with it. Didn't realize that there would be such a difference, but there is. I'm sure there will be up and down swings, but for now - UP!!!

7. Good music. It's simple, but it makes me joyful.

8. Good books. See above.

9. Time to write.

10. Sudden feeling of freedom from the metaphorical demons of my past. They are released. Good Riddance.

11. Obama. Obama. Obama.

12. Excellent friends. Closest thing to a family in this time zone.

13. Upcoming and surprising Family Vacay. I had no idea this was being plotted, and now I have a week in the sun with Mom, Dad, Chase and Janet to look forward to. Not until March, but who cares? Unless something ridiculously out of the blue happens with my career between now and then, I'll be there! I'm told I can bring a companion, provided I can secure one. They aren't holding their breath on this prospect, but we shall see. March is a long way off, and one never knows.

14. I laugh until I cry these days. I don't know how or why this started, but I feel like I'm laughing with my whole being. It looks strange, but it feels wonderful.

15. The loss of the urge to fill empty spots in my life with stuff. I don't need stuff. I have more stuff than I need. I need to give this stuff away, live simply. People, books, music, experiences - not stuff. Who cares about stuff?

16. Genuinely smiling, without feeling like I have to.

Sorry for the extremely high sap-quotient. Haven't felt like this in a long time, maybe ever in my adult life. I'm just...happy. Not happy contingent on another person, not happy based on others perceptions. Happy with myself. Happy with my insanely flawed and yet blessed life. Holy Lord, it's nice.