"I wanna go to heaven for the weather, hell for the company...

...I wanna go to heaven for the weather, hell seems like fun to me!"
- Mike Skinner



It's completely unexplainable, but I'm just ridiculously happy these days. I imagine there are a lot of factors at play here, but the ones that I can readily name are these:

1. The absolutely perfect autumn weather, the smell of the leaves, the sunlight on the river, and the vibrant colors of the late morning into the mid-afternoon. I LOVE the fall. Just the smell and crunch and breeze of it is enough to put a huge silly perma-grin on my face.

2. Running in Astoria Park while enjoying the above. I am nowhere near the running shape that I was in last winter before I stopped training, but I'm sure I'll get there.

3. I love my home. Love it. I love spending time here, and being near good friends.

4. I'm not working at the loft anymore. It's amazing what a difference that makes.

5. I am optimistic about the coming year. I don't know why. I am completely unsure of what is happening in my life right now, but I feel like whatever is coming is good. I am thinking positively about things rather than the opposite. Why had that become my default? Ew.

6. No more artificial hormones in my body. Done with it. Didn't realize that there would be such a difference, but there is. I'm sure there will be up and down swings, but for now - UP!!!

7. Good music. It's simple, but it makes me joyful.

8. Good books. See above.

9. Time to write.

10. Sudden feeling of freedom from the metaphorical demons of my past. They are released. Good Riddance.

11. Obama. Obama. Obama.

12. Excellent friends. Closest thing to a family in this time zone.

13. Upcoming and surprising Family Vacay. I had no idea this was being plotted, and now I have a week in the sun with Mom, Dad, Chase and Janet to look forward to. Not until March, but who cares? Unless something ridiculously out of the blue happens with my career between now and then, I'll be there! I'm told I can bring a companion, provided I can secure one. They aren't holding their breath on this prospect, but we shall see. March is a long way off, and one never knows.

14. I laugh until I cry these days. I don't know how or why this started, but I feel like I'm laughing with my whole being. It looks strange, but it feels wonderful.

15. The loss of the urge to fill empty spots in my life with stuff. I don't need stuff. I have more stuff than I need. I need to give this stuff away, live simply. People, books, music, experiences - not stuff. Who cares about stuff?

16. Genuinely smiling, without feeling like I have to.

Sorry for the extremely high sap-quotient. Haven't felt like this in a long time, maybe ever in my adult life. I'm just...happy. Not happy contingent on another person, not happy based on others perceptions. Happy with myself. Happy with my insanely flawed and yet blessed life. Holy Lord, it's nice.

Let the games begin...

Today was Halloween. Halloween was once my favorite holiday. This was the most depressing halloween of my life. I didn't dress up, for the first time ever. I didn't get ridiculously drunk and parade about in a skimpy outfit. I didn't do anything. I avoided the playhouse halloween party because I didn't want to deal with any kind of awkward situation with the boy or the other girl. Mostly the other girl. I don't have any problem interacting with the boy, and if I had been there, I could have easily kept that under control. There's just something about being in the same physical space as that girl that makes me so uncomfortable I become physically ill. Panic sets in. I can't even step foot in the playhouse unless I've verified that I won't be running into her. It's absurd.


It's depressing for more than just the obvious reasons. Last night, while on yet another marathon phone-call with the boy (yep, we're back to that stage), we got around to the subject of the holidays. And, for the first time ever, I'm dreading them. Let's get something straight, here. I'm jolly. I love Thanksgiving, and Christmas. I love the decorations, and the music and the family and the food, and just...all of it. Maybe that makes me a huge tool. The boy finds it comical, because he is grinchy. But, as we started talking about Thanksgiving and Christmas, and our respective families routines for these holidays, and I began to cry, he softened up about it. You see, it has become increasingly difficult for me to fight off tears at the thought of the approaching holiday season. The reason is very simple. I'm not going to be able to go home this year, unless some sort of a financial miracle occurs. Every single time I think of the fact that I won't be back in Arkansas with my family on Christmas morning, I want to jump off a bridge. Really. That's the kind of hurt that it creates.
I just don't think it's in the cards.

Thanksgiving will hopefully be ok. I haven't actually been home for that one in the last three years. This will be the fourth. So far, I'm planning on trying my hand at Thanksgiving dinner for the first time.

It's something.

The new job is soul-sucking. Seriously. I am already becoming resentful of the effects I can see it having on my artistic career, and of it's role in my holiday demise.

Boo. Happy Halloween.

Standing By...

I have just discovered yet another reason that I'm in love with my quaint little city of Little Rock. I am sitting in the airport, where I will most likely be for the next several hours, because I missed my 5:45am flight. I find this a bit irksome, but the tinges of annoyance are soothed by yet another feature of southern hospitality - FREE WIFI CONNECTION. I've been in and out of a lot of airports since wireless internet really hit the big time, but not until now have I encountered this freebie situation. Thanks, Little Rock National. I love you. American Airlines, on the other hand, is on my shit list. Screw you guys.

All in all, this minor setback is not nearly enough to derail my current good mood. And hey, at least from my vantage point at Gate 1, I am able to watch the sun rising over the Arkansas river on my last morning home in the dear old south. Beautiful.

So, about that good mood...

Wow.

Life is amazing. Life is wonderful. Life is beautiful. Life is love, love, love.

The past couple of weeks have been like a really, really, good dream. Or a feel-good inspiring chick-flicky movie. Ahhhhhh.

I am so proud of all that we were able to accomplish with Hair. I am amazed by each and every member of my dear Blackfoot Tunkashila. And, as I sort of always felt that it would, it has paid off in a very promising way. It looks like we're on for another round of rehearsals, and a two week run in late August/early September. After that, the future of the RTC and this production looks very very special indeed. No solid news to report yet, but stay tuned for bigger announcements. WOO! And hey, if you missed us the first time around, you'll get to see the new and improved version of the American Tribal Love Rock Musical at summer's end. Lord knows, I'm looking forward to it.

As I said, the run ended on a wonderful high note, and was made even sweeter for me with the arrival of The Boy. His attempt to make it into town for the actual performace was foiled by border-crossing complications and a myriad of traffic issues on his way into the city. No matter. He'll see it next time around. For me, for both of us, our brief reunion was enough to cement, clarify and fire up exactly what it is we're feeling about eachother. The time that he's been away has been difficult, but I made the decision to soldier on and go about my life without him in a positive fashion. And I did. I created art that I'm proud of. I met new people. I had good times. I began casually dating, which I felt strange about, but I think it was a worthwhile experience. Of course, I missed him. I missed him immensely. But I tried to stick to the agreement and stay out of contact. It wasn't easy for either of us. And when the oppurtunity to spend a couple of days together presented itself, we both jumped at the chance.

And thank our lucky stars we did. Things have reached an entirely new level of wonderful for us. It seems like everything is falling right into place now. I am walking around with the biggest smile on my face. We've had our most open and honest conversations in the last week. And now that he has taken off for a month in the Big Easy to be a big actor, I can't be anything but happy for him, and proud of him, and generally filled with love for him. Holy crap, I think this thing is ACTUALLY going to work. Who knew? Of course, it is going to be quite a while before we see eachother again, but I think we're both holding out for that day. We've said our "I love you's" and our "I miss you's". We've done our sugar's and sweetpea's and bella's and piccoli mani's. And I'm happy. Very happy.

Of course, this complicates the situation with CNBfQ, and how to actually proceed there. Crap. I like the guy. I do. And I'm going to feel like the world's biggest biatch when I have to deal with him. Can't think about it. Just can't.

The visit home was gloriously glorious. I got to spend a load of time with my parents, my friends, and just generally soaking in the feeling of home (which feels a whole lot like lake water, which I also soaked in). This visit home has such a different feeling than it did a year ago. With good reason, of course. I am a different person. I am a happy person. I am home for no reason but to enjoy the company of my friends and famiy. I am not here to grieve. I am not here because of duty or obligation. I am here because I love it. It is the best feeling in the world. I only wish I could have stayed longer. Much longer. Long enough to road-trip it down to New Orleans for a little getaway with the boy, but that's a bit more than I could have asked for.

All in all, drinking champagne and skinny dipping with my girlfriends, lighting sparklers and playing with puppies on the 4th, sailing with my daddy, driving through the ozarks, getting gin-drunk on lake norfork, drinking busch light in the most ghetto limo ever, singing kareoke with a guy with one tooth, getting a nasty tube-burn on my hand, playing scene-it in the middle of the night, catching up on the conchords, eating hushpuppies, shopping and seeing an adorable movie with mom, and generally being surrounded by an overwhelming feeling of love were well worth the wait for a standby flight that I am now experiencing.

Life is good. Please let me get onto this flight...

The Home Stretch

"I'm as calm as a fruit stand in New York, and maybe as strange."

"Bride" opened Sunday to overwhelmingly positive feedback. Final scenes will wrap up tomorrow morning. The fam flies in for the closing night/mother's day/graduation extravaganza tomorrow afternoon. I'm in my bed crying over the conclusion of second year. We have entered the home stretch.

The year seems to be ending with just as much emotion and fervor as it began.

The play. The play. Oh, God, the play. It's good. Really. I'm surprised and flattered and floored by the responses I've been getting from the last few performances. It hasn't even felt quite real to me yet. It will tomorrow. It will feel real when my parents and my brother are sitting in that audience seeing what it is that I've been doing all these years. Not since Summer and Smoke have I been so thrilled to have them see something I've done. It's really me up there. It's me, pouring all that I am and all that I have into a role that I still can't completely believe they handed to me. The playwright came to the show last night. He was very impressed with our work, and talked to us for a long stretch of time about how well we had done. He said, "and Grace. Grace. Well, your work was fantastic. You really got this character. The play is on Grace's shoulders. If you don't have a Grace that gets it, you don't have a play. You've done so well with her." Wow. Thank you. I am loving this play. I am loving playing this part. I am going to be sad to put it to bed come friday. Very sad indeed.

The first year has come of age with the completion of their final scenes. C-group will wrap up tomorrow. And that's that. I'm more nervous for them to get asked back than I was for myself. I suppose because I sort of KNEW in my heart that I would be back. I have grown close to so many of them, and I want the best for them all. But, I have no idea how they're going to do when those infamous letters hit the mailbox. I haven't seen their work. There are some that I can tell instinctively will be fine, like the boy, but others are not so cut and dry. I just hope for the best, and hope that they've had as enlightening and life-changing a year as I did when I was a first year.

I can't think about this anymore, this ending thing. I can't write about it anymore. I hate to be any more dramatic than I already am, but to be perfectly honest, I feel like my heart is breaking. Is that completly ridiculous or completely understandable? It hurts. God in heaven, does it hurt. I just wish I knew how to make it stop.