Let the games begin...

Today was Halloween. Halloween was once my favorite holiday. This was the most depressing halloween of my life. I didn't dress up, for the first time ever. I didn't get ridiculously drunk and parade about in a skimpy outfit. I didn't do anything. I avoided the playhouse halloween party because I didn't want to deal with any kind of awkward situation with the boy or the other girl. Mostly the other girl. I don't have any problem interacting with the boy, and if I had been there, I could have easily kept that under control. There's just something about being in the same physical space as that girl that makes me so uncomfortable I become physically ill. Panic sets in. I can't even step foot in the playhouse unless I've verified that I won't be running into her. It's absurd.


It's depressing for more than just the obvious reasons. Last night, while on yet another marathon phone-call with the boy (yep, we're back to that stage), we got around to the subject of the holidays. And, for the first time ever, I'm dreading them. Let's get something straight, here. I'm jolly. I love Thanksgiving, and Christmas. I love the decorations, and the music and the family and the food, and just...all of it. Maybe that makes me a huge tool. The boy finds it comical, because he is grinchy. But, as we started talking about Thanksgiving and Christmas, and our respective families routines for these holidays, and I began to cry, he softened up about it. You see, it has become increasingly difficult for me to fight off tears at the thought of the approaching holiday season. The reason is very simple. I'm not going to be able to go home this year, unless some sort of a financial miracle occurs. Every single time I think of the fact that I won't be back in Arkansas with my family on Christmas morning, I want to jump off a bridge. Really. That's the kind of hurt that it creates.
I just don't think it's in the cards.

Thanksgiving will hopefully be ok. I haven't actually been home for that one in the last three years. This will be the fourth. So far, I'm planning on trying my hand at Thanksgiving dinner for the first time.

It's something.

The new job is soul-sucking. Seriously. I am already becoming resentful of the effects I can see it having on my artistic career, and of it's role in my holiday demise.

Boo. Happy Halloween.