The Purges

In the few days since the elimination of the boy, my spirits have soared by leaps and bounds. I wish it had happened sooner. I had no idea how absolutely liberated I would feel. It was as though once my mind was made up to be truly finished, my life could come back into being. I haven't felt so absolutely free in almost a year.

You see, with the boy, even when it was good, I was never at ease. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I anticipated the inevitable breakdown. I didn't ever reach a point of actual trust. And why would I? What precedent would lead me to believe that he could in fact be trusted? None.

I wonder how much of the whole thing could have been avoided had I stopped letting my pride dictate my decisions. I think that more often than not, I sacrified my happiness and kept trying in an effort to save face. I didn't want to be that girl who couldn't make it work. How completely ridiculous.

I'm reminded of something Gary said to me once. I was rambling on about something completely unrelated, and he stopped me with these words: "Laura, you can't fix him."

And now that I've finally stopped trying, I couldn't be happier.

And now, it is time for the purging. I feel the need to symbolically rid myself of all of this dust-collecting (literally and metaphorically) crap in my life. I am purging my closets, my paperwork, my bookshelves, and my heart and mind. I am replacing my bedding (which carries the bad karma of relationships past) with fresh, clean, white linens. I don't want to sleep amidst the ashes of things past anymore.

Good riddance to bad rubbish, and bring on the new day...