"Every day we slaughter our finest impulses..

...That is why we get a heart-ache when we read those lines written by the hand of a master and recognize them as our own, as the tender shoots which we stifled because we lacked the faith to believe in our own powers, our own criterion of truth and beauty. Every man, when he gets quiet, when he becomes desperately honest with himself, is capable of uttering profound truths. We all derive from the same source. There is no mystery about the origin of things. We are all part of creation, all kings, all poets, all musicians; we have only to open up, to discover what is already there."

Letters, novels, plays that don't get written. The things that I've wanted to say, but have been to afraid to say. The profound sense of loss, of hurt, of despair that I have been completely numbing myself to. All of these things are swelling up inside me now for some reason, and it's all just too much. These things that I should have been over a year ago or more are just now rising to the surface. And now, I feel cheated. I feel that I never got to have that moment of release, that cathartic ending, that "last goodbye." And you know, I'm fucking angry about it. Instead, being weak, and stupid, and insecure, I allowed this destructive bullshit to continue over and over again, until it literally sucked the joy out of me. I knew I deserved more and better, and still, I settled. I allowed myself, and my home to offer sanctuary to a wandering and un-whole soul which I never had a chance of healing. So now what? How do I get what I need out of this situation? WHAT do I need out of this situation. I feel the need to hurt as I've been hurt. To emotionally wound, and stunt, and then to walk away. But what does that make me? It makes me no better than the one who hurt me. That can't be an option. I did not have that kind of anger in me before he got a hold of me. I did not wish to harm. And now I do. That is profound. That is terrifying.

I want my books back. It gnaws at me, this knowledge that precious words - words that changed me - were thoughtlessly appropriated, perhaps tossed in a box somewhere and forgotten by this person that I once cared so deeply about. How could I have been so careless with these words? How could I have been so careless with myself? I find it a saddening testament to the entire situation that I would trade every incredible moment shared, every lesson learned, every new experience, EVERYTHING - for never having known him. When I think of it, I can feel regret, and hate, and emptiness. And so, I am worse off than if we never met. Perhaps that's the most staggering realization of all.

"Something slow has sparked up in me"

It's been months since I've felt like writing, like breathing, like waking to possibilities that are anything but terrifying, like feeling something, like taking a chance, like being myself...

It's been months since anything has sparked up in me. I've been sleepwalking, it seems. I've not been here. I mean, I have. But I haven't felt that I was present for the last, oh, I don't know, three months...six months...year of my life.

And now, for some reason, now, today, I feel the faintest hint of something happening. It is small. It is barely discernible, but it is there.

I have awakened to find that some things have happened, and some things haven't. Things have changed, and things have stayed the same. With the exception of a few conversations, and of course, the concerts, the entire summer is a blur. A couple of gut-punch emails, stolen moments with dear friends at home, becoming entranced by live music, meaningless encounters with people I will most likely never see again. These are the things that briefly shift into focus when I try to glean some meaning from the void. The books I've read seem more real to me than my everyday life - my thoughts align themselves in Miller-esque passages. I am aware of the self-indulgence in this, the pseudo-intellectual bullshit of it, the cowardice in adopting another's voice. I find myself daydreaming about his overuse of the word 'adroitly' when referring to anything a woman might do to his prick. And then about his overuse of the word 'prick'. I almost hate myself for how much I love reading him. It's a little sick. I hope no one is reading over my shoulder on the train. It's ridiculous.

I find myself the owner of two completely dysfunctional cats. Obese, anti-social, and (based on their habits of excretion) clearly in need of psychoanalysis from Freud himself. And now, even though they offer me little in the way of companionship or happiness, I feel i am stuck with them. They sort of suit me in their neuroses. They are my kind of crazy. And, their combined weight is almost the same as that of a grown man, so at least when they're sleeping in my bed, it's a little less obvious that no one else is. Jesus.

The country seems to be crumbling around us. Society as we know it is changing, and America is not ready to change with it. We want what we want and we want it now. We've been operating on an inflated sense of credit for so long that we've actually managed to tear down our own financial structure (I am equally guilty). Our image in the rest of the world is a disgrace. No one has health care. At least no one in a boat which remotely resembles mine. I'm faintly placing hope in Obama, but don't envy him the job of captaining a sinking ship. Balls. When did my world view become so goddamned cynical? Am I just being realistic?

What's the point of all this? Hell if I know. But I feel a change coming, and right now, a change of any kind can be nothing but good. So, here I am, blooming in the Autumn of the year, while everything else is doing the opposite. I have quit my stifling job. I will re-begin training for the marathon promptly tomorrow morning (with a companion this time, so it's harder to say "fuck it"). I am finishing a script. I am going into the world completely unsure of how I'm going to live and pay for things, but more optimistic in spite of it than I have been about a steady paycheck for the last year. I have re-invented myself yet again. This time with a hipster haircut and a plan for a new tattoo. A new house in queens. A fresh coat of paint. Not a blind leap into the unknown, but at least a first tentative step. I want to feel something again. Anything. I'm ready to shake the emptiness left by the boy who ruined me. I'm tired of numbing myself to make it through the day. I want to laugh. I want to burst into tears. I want to find someone or something that I'm excited about again. So, damaged and self-sabotaged as I am, my battle wounds and I are no longer sleeping it off.

holy balls

i haven't blogged in forever.

mercury in retrograde

ok, so i'm still not entirely sure what that entails, but whilst catching the train uptown with mags tonight i looked at her and asked, "dude, why is everything and everyone just all fucked up right now?" she didn't have an answer, but she did share my sentiment. everything and everyone i come in contact with now is in the oddest state of upheaval, or uncertainty, or unexplainable wierdness. it defies logic and reason. it's all too damn much at the same time. and i feel like we're all just going to have to ride it out, and take notes for future stories along the way...

i just want to live a fairly un-complicated life and spend it doing the things that bring me joy. i want to see the people i love doing the same. i want to share the good that is in me with the good that is in another. why is that so difficult to achieve?

mercury, knock it off. we've all had enough struggle to last us a good long while.

Escape from Bridal Hell

...is nearly upon me!

This time tomorrow, I'll be heading to La Guardia for a flight down to kick it with Trent in sunny Florida for a few days. I can't even begin to describe how excited I am to be getting far away from here for awhile. The very prospect of not showing up to work for 5 seqential days is vacation enough in itself. I'm base-tanned, landscaped, and will be counting down the seconds of my last day at work today.

In other news - I'm going to do a little acting in the new Nora Ephron film. This one also stars Meryl Streep and Amy Adams (same as Doubt, which I find a bit strange.) It's Julie & Julia, with Streep as Julia Child. I'm playing an American Ambassador's wife at an Embassy dinner in Paris, 1950's. My costume makes me look like Joan Crawford. I'm not nearly as thrilled as I was for Doubt...but I am getting a SAG waiver for it, which is a pretty sweet deal in my book.

I'm still in a raging battle with Chase Bank to fix a mistake they made about two months ago. I feel that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Also, the last time I went in to make a deposit, the dude supervising the tellers tried to pick me up. It was the strangest experience ever. He lured me to his desk with the excuse of adding bounce protection to my account, and then used the oppurtunity to chat for an awkwardly uncomfortable stretch of time. He actually asked me at one point, "So, do you come here often?" Uh, yeah. It's the bank, and it's 10am. Don't use bar-lines on me at the bank. It's creepy.

Let's see...what else...

There's painfully little to report. My social life has completely fizzled of late. It's my own fault, and something needs to be done. I think I'm still sort of mourning the loss of something. I've been laying low from most of my friends, save my college friends and lovely roommate. I think I've just been in need of a break from my entire existence. It happens to everyone, right? I feel that this little trip might just be enough to get me back to myself. It's an exciting prospect...

And, we're back!

So, it seems that for me, this year officially began on March 1st...not January 1st. I don't really have an explanation for why this is the case, but I'll take it. I didn't have the feeling of resolve, of a new beginning, of a fresh start, until that first day of March. So here I find myself with a new outlook, a new lease on life, so to speak, and the suprising optimisim to get it all underway.

March 1st brought many changes my way, all of them implemented from within. I spent the first two months of 2008 sort of ignoring things and floating along, taking it as it came, but not really putting down roots of any kind. I suppose it was about two and a half weeks ago, when I said hello to my 26th year, that I began to see the need to climb out of this hole I've sort of been wallowing in and take control of my life....

...

and now it's not march 1st, but rather, march 23rd. easter sunday. and here i find myself a bit renewed. i won't say it's a reluctant renewal - because i've definitely needed it. i've been unhappy lately. dare i say, extremely unhappy. i've been working for about 6 months at a job that i despise. i've (mostly due to the hated job) been unable to do anything that i feel is actually worthwhile for my creative life. i no longer consider myself an actor, which is terrifying. i seem to be "in a relationship" of some kind. although, it's not neccesarily the realtionship i want to be in - it's something that i enjoy, but not at all something that i feel passionate about. had i not had the passionate relationship in the past, maybe i would be satisfied with this. but i have, and i'm not. is that bitchy? probably. but it's true. so here i am, springtime in nyc and depressed as all hell. feeling numb, artistically stifled, trapped in a bullshit job, and watered down in a bland relationship. nice, right?

so, i went to mass today. i had easter brunch with my roommate, whom i love. i had easter dinner with (of all people) pittman, whom i also love. we talked about everything under the sun, from the demise of our former relationship, to our current ones, to what we've thought and felt in all of the time in between. he asked me about the guy i'm currently seeing. the nice one. who happens to be his boss. he also asked me about the other guy. the one heretofore referred to as "the boy". the one that still, no matter what, leaves me a little breathless, a little fluttery, a little weak in the knees just thinking about him. i almost felt guilty as i explained to him that i feel like that boy may in fact be the love of my life. and no, i'm not with him. and perhaps i never will be. but i still feel more for him than i have before or since for anyone else. it's not ideal or normal or healthy or functional...but it is something. it is something incredibly relevant in my life.

and everyone i know hates him. they've all completely written him off as a human being. they are appaled and disgusted by the fact that i haven't. i don't know how to explain that i probably never will.

so that's one huge aspect. then there's the artistic, which is stifled. i'm apparently writing this play. it's not getting done. i have the best of intentions for it to be finished and fabulous, but i never have the time or the drive to achieve it. i need a desk. somewhere to write other than on my lap in my bed. one's bed and office shouldn't be the same place. i'm not really participating in the company's latest major undertaking. i want to be, but it seems there's not reallly a place for me to fit into things. that sucks too, but oh well.

...

And here we are again, and Jesus Christ, it's April 21st already. The Beckett has been done, as has the Japanese Suffering, a couple of student films, and some here and thereish auditions (including one today, which totally tanked.) I sort of backed out of the less than exciting relationship, although I can't say I did it gracefully. I'm still not getting any writing done, but at least I'm aware of it. I'm planning to quit the job, but I'm not sure when or how. Waiting around for something better to come along doesn't seem to be working out. So this post seems to just be an overview of the first quarter (EEEK) of 2008. Hell, I had to get something up here.

Mom and Dad are in France. I'm jealous. I'm going to run away to Florida to hang out with Trent and generally get the hell out of town for awhile. Why Florida, you ask? It's remarkably cheap to get there.

Let's see...what else...my house is sort of a huge wreck, but I finally feel like doing something about it...slowly. I want to get rid of a lot of crap again.

The Pope was here this weekend. My roomate got to go see him at Yankee Stadium, I on the other hand was adversely affected by his presence in the form of Papal traffic delays.

My best friend eloped. In Vegas. I'm still disappointed that there seemed to be a complete lack of Elvises (Elvi?) at the proceedings. She is now officially kicking the shit out of me in the unspoken wedding competition that doesn't actually exist. She's undefeated, 2 and 0. I suck at getting married. I'm pretty okay with that.

I think I shall just post this damn thing, and perhaps pepper it with photos of the up-till-now variety at some point. Enjoy, my three readers.

Sparse and Infrequent

It's been awhile, I'm very tired, and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

A few updates:

-I had an incredibly inspiring day on the set of Doubt yesterday. Have now been officially bitten by the movie bug. Must do more.

-Beckett is making me happy.

-The boy is on the officiall shit-list again.

-The running is down the drain, but scheduled to restart next week. It's just sooooooo damn cold.

-I'm dating a new guy. Very very nice guy. We shall see where it goes.

-Seeing Ben Nichols tonight.

-The job still really really blows. A lot. Need a way out.

Gonna sleep for an hour now.