And, we're back!

So, it seems that for me, this year officially began on March 1st...not January 1st. I don't really have an explanation for why this is the case, but I'll take it. I didn't have the feeling of resolve, of a new beginning, of a fresh start, until that first day of March. So here I find myself with a new outlook, a new lease on life, so to speak, and the suprising optimisim to get it all underway.

March 1st brought many changes my way, all of them implemented from within. I spent the first two months of 2008 sort of ignoring things and floating along, taking it as it came, but not really putting down roots of any kind. I suppose it was about two and a half weeks ago, when I said hello to my 26th year, that I began to see the need to climb out of this hole I've sort of been wallowing in and take control of my life....

...

and now it's not march 1st, but rather, march 23rd. easter sunday. and here i find myself a bit renewed. i won't say it's a reluctant renewal - because i've definitely needed it. i've been unhappy lately. dare i say, extremely unhappy. i've been working for about 6 months at a job that i despise. i've (mostly due to the hated job) been unable to do anything that i feel is actually worthwhile for my creative life. i no longer consider myself an actor, which is terrifying. i seem to be "in a relationship" of some kind. although, it's not neccesarily the realtionship i want to be in - it's something that i enjoy, but not at all something that i feel passionate about. had i not had the passionate relationship in the past, maybe i would be satisfied with this. but i have, and i'm not. is that bitchy? probably. but it's true. so here i am, springtime in nyc and depressed as all hell. feeling numb, artistically stifled, trapped in a bullshit job, and watered down in a bland relationship. nice, right?

so, i went to mass today. i had easter brunch with my roommate, whom i love. i had easter dinner with (of all people) pittman, whom i also love. we talked about everything under the sun, from the demise of our former relationship, to our current ones, to what we've thought and felt in all of the time in between. he asked me about the guy i'm currently seeing. the nice one. who happens to be his boss. he also asked me about the other guy. the one heretofore referred to as "the boy". the one that still, no matter what, leaves me a little breathless, a little fluttery, a little weak in the knees just thinking about him. i almost felt guilty as i explained to him that i feel like that boy may in fact be the love of my life. and no, i'm not with him. and perhaps i never will be. but i still feel more for him than i have before or since for anyone else. it's not ideal or normal or healthy or functional...but it is something. it is something incredibly relevant in my life.

and everyone i know hates him. they've all completely written him off as a human being. they are appaled and disgusted by the fact that i haven't. i don't know how to explain that i probably never will.

so that's one huge aspect. then there's the artistic, which is stifled. i'm apparently writing this play. it's not getting done. i have the best of intentions for it to be finished and fabulous, but i never have the time or the drive to achieve it. i need a desk. somewhere to write other than on my lap in my bed. one's bed and office shouldn't be the same place. i'm not really participating in the company's latest major undertaking. i want to be, but it seems there's not reallly a place for me to fit into things. that sucks too, but oh well.

...

And here we are again, and Jesus Christ, it's April 21st already. The Beckett has been done, as has the Japanese Suffering, a couple of student films, and some here and thereish auditions (including one today, which totally tanked.) I sort of backed out of the less than exciting relationship, although I can't say I did it gracefully. I'm still not getting any writing done, but at least I'm aware of it. I'm planning to quit the job, but I'm not sure when or how. Waiting around for something better to come along doesn't seem to be working out. So this post seems to just be an overview of the first quarter (EEEK) of 2008. Hell, I had to get something up here.

Mom and Dad are in France. I'm jealous. I'm going to run away to Florida to hang out with Trent and generally get the hell out of town for awhile. Why Florida, you ask? It's remarkably cheap to get there.

Let's see...what else...my house is sort of a huge wreck, but I finally feel like doing something about it...slowly. I want to get rid of a lot of crap again.

The Pope was here this weekend. My roomate got to go see him at Yankee Stadium, I on the other hand was adversely affected by his presence in the form of Papal traffic delays.

My best friend eloped. In Vegas. I'm still disappointed that there seemed to be a complete lack of Elvises (Elvi?) at the proceedings. She is now officially kicking the shit out of me in the unspoken wedding competition that doesn't actually exist. She's undefeated, 2 and 0. I suck at getting married. I'm pretty okay with that.

I think I shall just post this damn thing, and perhaps pepper it with photos of the up-till-now variety at some point. Enjoy, my three readers.

Sparse and Infrequent

It's been awhile, I'm very tired, and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

A few updates:

-I had an incredibly inspiring day on the set of Doubt yesterday. Have now been officially bitten by the movie bug. Must do more.

-Beckett is making me happy.

-The boy is on the officiall shit-list again.

-The running is down the drain, but scheduled to restart next week. It's just sooooooo damn cold.

-I'm dating a new guy. Very very nice guy. We shall see where it goes.

-Seeing Ben Nichols tonight.

-The job still really really blows. A lot. Need a way out.

Gonna sleep for an hour now.

SPOKE TOO SOON

travel bullshit. i hate delta. i hate chase bank.

i wanna throttle someone. for real.

i'm gonna go unpack all the shit i need to get ready to leave the house at 2:30 in the morning and try this shit all over again.

I'll be home for Christmas

You can plan on me.

Heading to the airport in a mere few hours, and I'm so happy I can hardly stand it.

There is much packing to do, much cleaning to do, and I'd like to get my hair trimmed if my girl is in today...

We shall see. Regardless, this time tomorrow, I'll be waking up in Arkansas. I hope.

Best Christmas present ever.

like death

food poisoning. or stomach flu. or something else equally unpleasant.

errgghhh. gahd. balls.

vom and trots and abdominal cramping and sweating and fever and...oh jesus.

no relief all day. none whatsoever.

It's the Holiday Season...

And I'm officially awful.

I'm hitting up parties and shindigs and festive soirees like, every other day. And this means - spending more money than I should/have on drinks and food and cabs and such. Awful.

It also means, being too sleep-deprived/cold/just plain lazy to do any running. Also, the joints are REEEEEAAAALLLLLY unhappy with the shoes right now, so I've sorta cut back for the time being. Lousy excuse, I know. Awful.

Aaaannnnd, it means that my "Holiday Cheer" has maybe kinda sorta crossed over into the realm of Holiday forgiveness...or of, um...Holiday weakness...or of, i don't know, Holiday "oh, what the hell-ness". And I've fallen off the wagon. Awful.

But not that awful. All of it is kinda fun actually. None of it is good for me, but all of it is certainly fun...for now.

Runnin' Down a Dream

I'm still running down a dream. Coincidentally, that's another of the songs on my running mix that really gets me going. So far this week I've clocked about ten miles.

A long 4.5 on monday, impressive considering the shoddy start to my week. I logged these miles on the treadmill at the gym, because it was rainy out. It was boring and all of the numbers on the machine really weren't good for my neurotic tendencies. Running on the treadmill has several drawbacks. First, I really get a sense of how slow I actually am. Second, it's surrounded by mirrors, which I can't ignore (and it's not like I look good). Third, I immediately feel as though I must compete with the pace/time/calorie count/ of the runners on either side of me. Fourth, I'm not getting anywhere. Fifth, my excessive sweating is on brightly-lit display.

Of course there are benefits as well. I run faster on the treadmill. If I feel like running a ten-minute-mile, all I have to do is bump the thing up to six mph and hang in there. I can see how many calories i'm burning, which isn't actually that important to me, but at least when i'm running nowhere I can derive some sort of satisfaction from knowing that I just eliminated a hefty chunk of the day's caloric intake. Other than that...I guess it's easier on my joints than the esplanade is. Mmmm, esplanade.

I took tuesday off, and made wednesday a really easy short run (because I was pressed for time), compensating by climing up and down the six flights at home at least ten times for the sake of the laundry.

Wednesday night I went to the screening of The Savages, and afterward listened to three incredible actors and a magnificent director talk about their craft in a way that made me so joyful I cried. The words and phrases the used, and the passion with which they expressed themselves was so akin to the way that I feel and articulate that it took my breath away. And then I said to myself "I can't keep working this bread job". I can't keep doing something that keeps me from doing the something I came here to do. Do you follow? Then I went to P.J. Clarkes and ate a delicious sit-like-a-stone-in-my-belly bacon cheeseburger. Effectively negating at least a week of training.

Tonight was another good jag at the esplanade. Did I just say jag? Who does that? Jesus. My blood sugar must be low. Anyway, 4 miles or so today, and not quite as cold as my last long run outside. OH! And my new baby ipod is here! It was MUCH better to run with. I'm still enjoying my new mix, interspersed with lots of Christmas music (Run DMC's "Christmas in Hollis" really gets me going).

This leads me to my desperate plea. Dear friends, please oh please, send me music to run to. I don't care how you do it - a cd, a playlist, a comment with "hey, put [insert track here] on your running mix", anything. I find that once my body realizes that it can keep moving, it's really the songs that keep me from stopping. So, help a sister out. Send me some love, via Sly and the Family Stone, or whatever it is that works for you.

Please? Thank you.