Workin' Girl

Today I got not one, but two jobs. One I interviewed for this morning, and was offered on the spot. One I interviewed for almost a month ago, was offered the same day, and then revoked as the person I was to be replacing decided not to leave. Right after I got the offer from today's interview, the older offer called me back, and literally BEGGED me to come work for them. The one I got today was a part-time retail gig, that paid ten bucks an hour. The one from a month ago was a full-time bridal consulting job, that pays upwards of forty grand a year.

Guess which one I took.

I have this phobia about job interviews. Not because I'm afraid I won't get the job. On the contrary, I've gotten every job I've ever interviewed for (excluding acting, of course). I'm actually afraid of getting a job I really don't want. I feel like my track record is such that if I interview, I'll get it, and then I'll be stuck in some shit job that I have no desire to do. Today's double offers are just an example of that. I must say, selling out and putting dreams on hold aside, this certainly is a load off my mind. I'm looking forward to being single, being self sufficient, and living my life on my terms. (read: getting shit paid the eff off.) Thank you, employment gods. You have certainly smiled upon me. Stay tuned for details as the working begins...

I'm wine drunk, and a little stoned, and this might just be a tad incoherent. My apologies.

On again, off again...again.

Ah, it never ends. The "Laura and the Boy" saga drags on and on, to the point of exhaustion. So, here I am, after about a month of "on again", I find myself slapped in the face (or rather, kicked in the gut) with "off again."

Let me back up.

I realize that I have left you, my dear readers, a bit out of the loop of late. Sorry. I got myself into this mindset of "don't talk about your depression so much" during the last phase "off", and didn't want to jinx anything during this most recent phase of "on". Plus, things being as complicated as they are, I didn't really know how or what to write about it. I'll spare you the play-by-play on how the last cycle went down, and try to focus on this one. Because in all honesty, I think that this is the big one.

I am here, alone in my bed once again, and wondering how this has happened to me again. I woke up sunday morning beside the man that I love. I went to sleep sunday night having been cut loose, and with that gut-kick still stinging.

You see, this time, the boy and I tried to approach things a bit more casually. We found during the last period of "off" that we missed each other terribly. And so it began again. Only this time, we didn't want to try to make it the all or nothing, crazy little thing called love, fairytale perfect relationship that we attempted (and actually succeeded with for a time) this summer. This time, there were to be no demands or expectations placed on eachother. There was an overall attitude of "see you when I see you", which translated to pretty much every second from the end of his classes on fridays until he headed back to the playhouse on monday morning. And it seemed to kinda sorta be working for us for awhile, for the first few weeks, at least.

And then, this weekend, things started to turn a bit...icky. Casual weekend thing became dealing with serious feelings thing. The boy began to panic, leaving me scared out of my wits and with that familiar sinking feeling. Something was coming. Something bad.

The problem, for him, is this: casual doesn't work when it's with me. No, that's not because I'm a nagging hag. In his words, it's because I "don't deserve anything less than one hundred percent." And guess what? He doesn't have it to give. Never has. Not to me. Not to anyone.

Now, I've gone through all of the possible ways that I can blame myself for this. Why aren't I worth it? How come I'm not enough for him to change? What did I do wrong?

I actually asked him those questions. And the answers that I got - I am worth it. I am more than enough. I haven't done anything wrong. He's just not there. He's not at peace with himself. He doesn't know how to be happy with himself. And no amount of the happiness that he feels when he's with me is going to make up for the lack of a solid foundation in him.

I understand all of those things. I agree with his decision. I do think I deserve it all. I am worth it. He's right. And recognizing that is the most painful thing of all. Knowing that he must be alone to work all of these things out sucks the air right out of my lungs. I'm scared to death. I've never felt anything like what I feel for him before. I've never been so absolutely in love. Ok, I'm young. It doesn't matter. I know what I feel. I have been able to give of myself to him in ways that I may never be able to again. And right now, I'm absolutely terrified that on this journey of self-discovery, he will find that he doesn't want to love me anymore. I want nothing more than for him to be ok, for him to be happy and at peace, but I don't know what the price of that happiness will be. I don't want to lose him. Not because my self-worth or identity is wrapped up in him - as it is most certainly not - but because I can't fathom my life feeling at ease without him as a part of it. The loss of this incredible person, whose friendship brought me out of one of the darkest points in my life, would be staggering. I don't know exactly what to do or what to feel right now. It feels like a death. Yes, I want him to be the best possible version of himself. And yes, I want him to be that with me.

And what if he learns that he doesn't want me at all? What in the name of God do I do then?

And so it goes. On and on. Off and (sigh) off.