On again, off again...again.

Ah, it never ends. The "Laura and the Boy" saga drags on and on, to the point of exhaustion. So, here I am, after about a month of "on again", I find myself slapped in the face (or rather, kicked in the gut) with "off again."

Let me back up.

I realize that I have left you, my dear readers, a bit out of the loop of late. Sorry. I got myself into this mindset of "don't talk about your depression so much" during the last phase "off", and didn't want to jinx anything during this most recent phase of "on". Plus, things being as complicated as they are, I didn't really know how or what to write about it. I'll spare you the play-by-play on how the last cycle went down, and try to focus on this one. Because in all honesty, I think that this is the big one.

I am here, alone in my bed once again, and wondering how this has happened to me again. I woke up sunday morning beside the man that I love. I went to sleep sunday night having been cut loose, and with that gut-kick still stinging.

You see, this time, the boy and I tried to approach things a bit more casually. We found during the last period of "off" that we missed each other terribly. And so it began again. Only this time, we didn't want to try to make it the all or nothing, crazy little thing called love, fairytale perfect relationship that we attempted (and actually succeeded with for a time) this summer. This time, there were to be no demands or expectations placed on eachother. There was an overall attitude of "see you when I see you", which translated to pretty much every second from the end of his classes on fridays until he headed back to the playhouse on monday morning. And it seemed to kinda sorta be working for us for awhile, for the first few weeks, at least.

And then, this weekend, things started to turn a bit...icky. Casual weekend thing became dealing with serious feelings thing. The boy began to panic, leaving me scared out of my wits and with that familiar sinking feeling. Something was coming. Something bad.

The problem, for him, is this: casual doesn't work when it's with me. No, that's not because I'm a nagging hag. In his words, it's because I "don't deserve anything less than one hundred percent." And guess what? He doesn't have it to give. Never has. Not to me. Not to anyone.

Now, I've gone through all of the possible ways that I can blame myself for this. Why aren't I worth it? How come I'm not enough for him to change? What did I do wrong?

I actually asked him those questions. And the answers that I got - I am worth it. I am more than enough. I haven't done anything wrong. He's just not there. He's not at peace with himself. He doesn't know how to be happy with himself. And no amount of the happiness that he feels when he's with me is going to make up for the lack of a solid foundation in him.

I understand all of those things. I agree with his decision. I do think I deserve it all. I am worth it. He's right. And recognizing that is the most painful thing of all. Knowing that he must be alone to work all of these things out sucks the air right out of my lungs. I'm scared to death. I've never felt anything like what I feel for him before. I've never been so absolutely in love. Ok, I'm young. It doesn't matter. I know what I feel. I have been able to give of myself to him in ways that I may never be able to again. And right now, I'm absolutely terrified that on this journey of self-discovery, he will find that he doesn't want to love me anymore. I want nothing more than for him to be ok, for him to be happy and at peace, but I don't know what the price of that happiness will be. I don't want to lose him. Not because my self-worth or identity is wrapped up in him - as it is most certainly not - but because I can't fathom my life feeling at ease without him as a part of it. The loss of this incredible person, whose friendship brought me out of one of the darkest points in my life, would be staggering. I don't know exactly what to do or what to feel right now. It feels like a death. Yes, I want him to be the best possible version of himself. And yes, I want him to be that with me.

And what if he learns that he doesn't want me at all? What in the name of God do I do then?

And so it goes. On and on. Off and (sigh) off.

Running Away

I've expressed my overwhelming desire to run away to all of my nearest and dearest in the last few weeks. I have this staggering feeling that life would be much better if I would just disappear, stop worrying about whatever my problems are here in the city and escape for awhile. This desire is partially fueled by the fact that I just can't seem to get a handle on the mess that has become my life anymore. It is partially fueled by a film I saw last week, Into the Wild, which I believe is being released this friday. Please go see it. It is beautifully directed by Sean Penn, acted by Emile Hirsch, and sung by Eddie Vedder. I highly recommend it. During the q&a after the film, Sean Penn, while speaking about the journey of the main character said, "in our culture, rites of passage are seen as a luxury. They're not. They're a neccesity."

I couldn't agree more. I don't feel that I have lost out on that experience in my life. On the contrary, I feel like I have done it several times, and at the culmination of each experience, I have emerged a more complete human being. These events occur, sometimes in solitude, sometimes in connection with others, but ultimately bring me to a new level of understanding. I feel that I just completed one, in fact. It wasn't neccesarily a triumphant completion, but I do feel that I have just learned something new about myself and the world - something that I could only have learned through trial and error, love, hate, joy, happiness, pain and loss. These are all critical elements. The bad makes the good better, and all that sort of thing.

So, I'm off on a new soul-search. It seems physically running away from my life in New York isn't truly an option. Financially, it is completely infeasable. It would also result in the abandonment of several relationships and endeavors that I don't feel I can or should walk away from just yet. So, I've decided on a different course of action. I'm taking up running. I've run before, yes, but this seems like a more spiritual decision than my past "I feel fat, I guess I'll go running" state of mind.

I have decided that I really like the idea of training for a marathon. I haven't the slightest idea how to begin this plan. I've never been a serious runner, in fact I used to absolutely HATE running. I don't come from a family of runners, I come from a family of smokers. I don't have the best knee or hip joints, due to my dancer's upbringing. I used to be rather big and fat, owing to my lack of experience in this field. However, now I am small and thin, and feel such a difference in my stamina and ability. I can easily (ok, not TOO easily), run the track at the Onasis Reservoir (1.58 miles) without stopping or walking. I know that doesn't sound like much to a "real" runner, but it's a big deal for me. I get around that track in about 15 minutes, although, I've yet to aquire the acoutrements to really time myself. I suppose that will be one of the next steps. I actually enjoy this running. I feel like I'm getting away from something I don't like in my life, I feel like I'm releasing good energy into the world, I feel a sense of accomplishment.

So this is my plan, my next rite of passage. The New York Marathon is in early November of each year. I don't for a moment delude myself into thinking that I could run this year's marathon. However, I would really like to train for a year and shoot for running in the 2008 race. Is this too steep a goal for me to achieve? I think not. I mean, I've managed to achieve some pretty remarkable things in my life, just because I told myself I would.

So that is the goal. Running away from this feeling of unhappiness, of a loss of direction. Running. Just running. Probably needing a great deal of help along the way, but that's true of every rite of passage. And who knows, when it's all over and done, perhaps I will have learned something very valuable. Might as well start now. I'm certainly not getting any younger.

"Baby this town rips the bones from your back
Its a death trap, its a suicide rap
We gotta get out while were young
`cause tramps like us, baby we were born to run"

Ashes, ashes, we all fall down.

It feels like my world has fallen down around me. It all happened in a matter of about 48 hours, a little over a week ago, and I am having the worst time ever of trying to pick myself up and move on. I know that everyone feels this way sometimes. I've been watching friends and family go through it a lot recently. I just somehow thought that I was immune to it. I thought that for some reason, all the good things I'd been feeling and experiencing lately were impervious to such a fall. I put my faith and my trust into the people that I love, because that is the kind of creature I am. A stupid creature, apparently. A creature who has now given completely of herself, only to end up empty, with nothing left to give, and nothing to build myself back up.

And I thought this part was over. It all feels like some kind of demented child's game. Chutes and ladders for the grown-ups. Ring-around-the-rosy. Hide-and-seek. Only the rules are different, and no one is the winner. Everyone goes home hurt and crying and alone. Hearts and bones and spirits get broken. There is only enough energy to sleep and to cry. There is no resolution, only the half-hope, half-fear that the cycle will come around to good again, but that next time it will stay that way.

And most frustrating of all, is the realization that I might never be worth it. All that I am might never be enough to fight for. And that, dear friends, is the most heartbreaking feeling of all.

Charmed the pants off those canadians

No, really. Let's be honest, whadd'ya think I was going up there for?

It was a wonderful trip, and we had a great time. With the exception of the excruciatingly long train rides both ways, it was an overwhelmingly pleasant experience. I met the friends and family, saw the city, got to do a little Hair shopping, drank good beer, somehow managed to swing from extremes of middle-aged couple to high-school couple, and - most importantly - got to spend some much needed q.t. with the boy.

It was wonderful. I can't wait until he's back home in this city. Just a few more days!!!!

Oh, and everyone with a pulse MUST see La Vie En Rose. Probably the most incredible performace I have ever beheld. Absolutely stunning.

A couple of highlighted moments from the trip -
1. While sitting in front of a coffee shop in Kensington Market, hiding out from the rain, and very deep in meaningful conversation, a grandfatherly man passes the fruit stand across the street, and lets out the singlemost audible fart I have ever heard. I mean, it damn near propelled him to the end of the block. It was like something out of a movie, and we have decided that it most definitely will be something IN a movie.
2. At same location, a very jolly rasta-man sits down on the bench next to ours, a woman with whom he seems to be vaguely aquainted walks by. The following conversation ensues.
Rastaman: "Hey, haven't seen you in forever!"
Woman: "Wow, yeah its been awhile.
Rastaman: "Where's your dog?"
Woman: "It's dead."
Rastaman: *awkward silence*
The Boy and I: *eyes watering as we try not to laugh*


My God, life is good. Unless of course, you're that woman's deceased pet. In which case, life is probably not good.

Where the hell is my teleporter?

In a mere three hours, I will be up and-at-'em, getting myself out the door and down to penn station so that I can venture to...

THE GREAT WHITE NORTH!!!

That's right, folks. This Arkansas girl is going to show those Canadians what she's made of. (Which, for the record, is 100% pure grain awesome.)

You may be asking yourself how this exciting turn of events came to be. Well, it's quite simple really. Upon wrapping his film down in the Big Easy, I was awakened by a call from the boy, relieved to be finished but proud of what he'd accomplished, and with a one-track mind when it came to what the next course of action would be. That track seems to have entailed the repeating sentence "MUST SEE LAURA IMMEDIATELY," because that's what he proposed we do. So, arrangements were made, strings were pulled, trains were booked, and the next thing you know, I'm off to Toronto in the morning.

This trip seems to be serving several purposes. First, to combat the insanity we were both driving towards not having seen eachother in over a month. Second, and most nervewracking of all, for me to make the aquaintance of his parents. Third, to meet the hometown friends. Fourth, to see what this Canada thing is all about. I expect we'll be eating a lot of maple syrup, whilst being pulled over by a mountie, on our way to hockey practice, to prepare for our match against the niagra ninjas, all the while ending our sentences with, "eh?".

All joking aside, I couldn't be happier about how well life and love are going right now. The twelve hours on the train are going to be torturous, when all I want to do is see him and only him for quite awhile. It sounds like he's got a rather full schedule booked for me, and it all sounds very sweet. More and more I'm seeing sides of him that I didn't know existed. The side that wants to show me off to his friends, the side that wants to take me to see my favorite play at the Shaw festival, the side that has called me every single night to tell me how much he wished I was already there.

I'm so tired, and still pretty stoned from rehearsal. Alarm goes off in a couple of hours, whereupon I will do my last minute packing, shower, and hop in a taxi - tylenol pm in hand - hoping to snooze for most of the ride.

Expect a full update when I return on Wednesday or Thursday - assuming of course, that I make it the full duration.

I'm so damn happy, I can hardly stand it...

If only I could teleport.

Hair Extension

HAIR is back! We will be performing at Theatre Row, the Acorn Theatre! More info on ticket sales to come.

Hope you can make it. Check out www.realtheatrecompany.com for details...

oh, and by the way, i have no idea why the color on this thing gets all persnickety when i post a flyer like that. it's supposed to be yellow and red. same thing happened with the original hair postcard, back in june. i don't get it...

Insomnia

I can't fucking sleep. It's a problem.

It is 6:04 am and I have been desperately trying to fall asleep since 1:00 am. No dice.

I'm not consuming caffeine. I don't know what's causing this, but it sucks some serious ass.

No really, I want to beat someone severely right now, but I have nobody to blame. I think my over-active mind is keeping me awake. This will be the third night in a row that once I've reached the hour of sunrise, I've gotten out of bed and popped a bunch of sleep-inducing OTC pills. Tonight it's tylenol pm. I mean today. This morning. Fuck.

So much for my planned trip to the gym at eight. That's in two hours. Sonofabitch.

If you've got any remedies, I'd love to hear them.