"Maybe you should just say 'artist'."

Sitting and waiting for bridal clients has become my new version of "weekending". That's just one of many new developments in the infancy of '09.

I am finding myself with increasingly diversified interests, occupations, and companionship. On a recent evening out in Brooklyn, with one of those companions, heretofore known simply as "The Italian", I was engaged in small talk with an acquaintance of his. It didn't take long for the dreaded "So, what do you do?" question to surface. I geared myself up for what would certainly be a long explanation. I used to say "I'm an actress." But, that seems like a bit of a stretch these days - I do some acting here and there, but it has been awhile since I've worked on a role that made me feel like it was truly my reason for living. That sounds far more depressing as I type it. I have worked in the last year, but as yet, nothing has been able to top the experience I had working on Grace in "Bride". Sad but true. So, this is not how I define my profession. It's part of it, but not all. Because you see, I'm also involved with a the RTC in an administrative capacity, and I am a Playwright, I have become something of an accessory designer...or person who glues things together and sells them, and lastly, leastly (but sadly, most lucratively) I am a bridal consultant, and sales rep. I attempted to briefly summarize my occupations as such, after which I was greeted with a blank, blinking stare and the following:

"Yeah. Maybe you should just say 'artist'."

How true, how true. I guess that would sort of sum it up. I find that when you say artist most people assume you live in a drafty industrial loft surrounded by drop cloths and paint. But I suppose, for the purposes of bar-chat with people I'll never see again, it doesn't really matter what they assume.

So, in 2009, I am calling myself an artist. I am also (hopefully more than in years past) taking advantage of my gym membership - with the current goal being to complete a half marathon in June, and get myself back down to ideal fighting weight. I've found that I've sort of let myself go in the last few months, paying little attention to how much absolute crap I've been eating. And now it's time to pay the piper. I'm a little under six weeks away from my 27th birthday (oh christ, that's late twenties), and I intend to be in considerably better physical condition when that day arrives. We shall see how I manage this.

2008 Ended on a note of financial clusterfuck. I can only hope that this improves this year. It seems to be a constantly exhaustive struggle to keep my head above water and escape creditors. Not good. At all. Here's hoping that the supplemental income generated by The Red Bird will have some kind of a positive effect on finances. Add to that the possibility of making a little money off of acting this year, and I'm feeling optimistic at least. The thing about having absolutely nothing is that you have absolutely nothing to lose. So there you go.

I'm hoping to actually be able to foster a little bit more of my development as an actor this year than I did in the last. I'm starting a scene study class on tuesday, which I am extremely excited about. I'm also joining a newly formed Shakespeare company to experiment with and workshop the work of the bard, so that is definitely exciting too. I have made a promise to myself not to let the day job stifle everything about the soul job anymore. I am also spending far more time writing than I have in a very long time. Having completed the first draft of my script, I intend to be doing a great deal more work on it in the coming weeks and months, and hopefully getting it out into the world.

On the connection with others front, I feel optimistic. I have a renewed and deepened love for old friends, and am excited to spend time with them as they are growing into these amazing adults. This seems to be the year of the engagement in my circle of friends, so I am anticipating lots of beautiful upcoming weddings in '09and beyond. I'm spending time with the people who mean the most to me whenever possible, and that feels good. I don't feel the need to be the life of the party, the center of attention, or the it girl in the room (not that I ever was). I feel mellower, picking and choosing my social engagements based on who I really want to spend time with rather than just a desire to go out and distract myself from my own shortcomings and failures. I feel like I may have pulled the final barbs of toxic relationships past out of my flesh. I feel at peace with burying their vestiges. I feel ready for new and better things.

So, although it's start was rocky, and a bit melancholy, I welcome 2009 with the best of intentions. No resolutions this year, only the effort to be the best version of myself at every turn.

Happy New Year.

Christ-Mix '08

If you're a devoted reader of this blog (or just a devoted friend of mine) then you know of my affinity for Christmas Music. It borders on shameful. This year, the mix was a tag-team undertaking, with myself and lil miss Late Bloomer tackling the beast. We were pleased with the choices and the layout, and set about turning it into a .zip and sharing it online. Somewhere in that process (because we are perhaps moderately "special"), the order of the playlist got flubbed. I don't know about these things. Nonetheless, here is the playlist (as we intended it) and the link if you wish to download. It's much more mellow, and dare I say, melancholy than any previous mix - but hey, it's a recession, and life and general has been nothing short of bittersweet in '08. Enjoy...

"All My Friends, I've Returned to Sister Winter"
1. Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers - "Christmas All Over Again"
2. Allen Toussaint - "The Day it Snows on Christmas"
3. Sufjan Stevens - "Sister Winter"
4. Jason Robert Brown - "Christmas Lullaby"
5. Dave Matthews & Tim Reynolds - "Christmas Song"
6. The Jackson 5 - Up on the Housetop
7. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation - "The jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nut house"
8. Robert Earl Keen - "Merry Christmas From The Family"
9. Kermit the Frog - "The Christmas Wish"
10. Johnny Cash - "Blue Christmas"
11. Pete Yorn - "Do They Know it's Christmas"
12. The Pogues - "Fairytale of New York"
13. Cindy Lauper - "Feels Like Christmas"
14. Calexico - "Gift X-Change"
15. Stephen Colbert - "Another Christmas Song"
16. Sufjan Stevens - "O Come, O Come Emmanuel"
17. James Taylor - "In the Bleak Midwinter"
18. Eartha Kitt - "Santa Baby"
19. Joan Osborne - "What Do Bad Girls Get?"
20. Wham - "Last Christmas (I gave you my heart)"
21. The Ramones - "Merry Christmas (I don't want to fight)"
22. Dean Martin - "I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm"
23. Bing Crosby & David Bowie - "Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy"
24. Joni Mitchell - "River"
25. Bob Dylan - "Winterlude"
26. Tom Waits - "Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis"
27. Harry Nilsson - "Remember"
28. Judy Garland - "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas"
29. Stacie Orrico - "What are You Doing New Years Eve"

link: http://www.mediafire.com/?sharekey=de4feb0d83fcd7f0d2db6fb9a8902bda

notes...
Track 3 - Absolutely haunting, I've been unable to get it out of my head.
Track 4 - From one of my favorite musicals, Songs For A New World
Tracks 7&8 - That would be, the Sessoms Family
Track 14 - Was on a mix I received last year, and although it brings to mind the bittersweet memories of lost love, it has remained one of my favorite year-round songs. And I hope he did make it home.
Tracks 16&17 - My two favorite traditional Christmas Hymns
Track 17 - Is always on my mix. RIP, Lady Kitt
Tracks 23&27 - Mom's picks. She vividly remembers watching the TV special that Bowie appeared on as a teenager, and has always loved this arrangement. You might remember 26 from the trippy animated film "The Point" which Mom had me watch countless times as a child.
Track 28 - That part of Meet Me In St. Louis always, ALWAYS makes me cry.
Track 29 - Well?

The Red Bird

Take a look at my latest creative undertaking, The Red Bird.

A collection of unique handmade accessories, using feathers and vintage materials. You can find me on Etsy at theredbirddesigns.etsy.com. Take a look, and keep checking in for more updates soon!

On a Roll!

I ran everyday this week! This is good.

"I wanna go to heaven for the weather, hell for the company...

...I wanna go to heaven for the weather, hell seems like fun to me!"
- Mike Skinner



It's completely unexplainable, but I'm just ridiculously happy these days. I imagine there are a lot of factors at play here, but the ones that I can readily name are these:

1. The absolutely perfect autumn weather, the smell of the leaves, the sunlight on the river, and the vibrant colors of the late morning into the mid-afternoon. I LOVE the fall. Just the smell and crunch and breeze of it is enough to put a huge silly perma-grin on my face.

2. Running in Astoria Park while enjoying the above. I am nowhere near the running shape that I was in last winter before I stopped training, but I'm sure I'll get there.

3. I love my home. Love it. I love spending time here, and being near good friends.

4. I'm not working at the loft anymore. It's amazing what a difference that makes.

5. I am optimistic about the coming year. I don't know why. I am completely unsure of what is happening in my life right now, but I feel like whatever is coming is good. I am thinking positively about things rather than the opposite. Why had that become my default? Ew.

6. No more artificial hormones in my body. Done with it. Didn't realize that there would be such a difference, but there is. I'm sure there will be up and down swings, but for now - UP!!!

7. Good music. It's simple, but it makes me joyful.

8. Good books. See above.

9. Time to write.

10. Sudden feeling of freedom from the metaphorical demons of my past. They are released. Good Riddance.

11. Obama. Obama. Obama.

12. Excellent friends. Closest thing to a family in this time zone.

13. Upcoming and surprising Family Vacay. I had no idea this was being plotted, and now I have a week in the sun with Mom, Dad, Chase and Janet to look forward to. Not until March, but who cares? Unless something ridiculously out of the blue happens with my career between now and then, I'll be there! I'm told I can bring a companion, provided I can secure one. They aren't holding their breath on this prospect, but we shall see. March is a long way off, and one never knows.

14. I laugh until I cry these days. I don't know how or why this started, but I feel like I'm laughing with my whole being. It looks strange, but it feels wonderful.

15. The loss of the urge to fill empty spots in my life with stuff. I don't need stuff. I have more stuff than I need. I need to give this stuff away, live simply. People, books, music, experiences - not stuff. Who cares about stuff?

16. Genuinely smiling, without feeling like I have to.

Sorry for the extremely high sap-quotient. Haven't felt like this in a long time, maybe ever in my adult life. I'm just...happy. Not happy contingent on another person, not happy based on others perceptions. Happy with myself. Happy with my insanely flawed and yet blessed life. Holy Lord, it's nice.

Yes We Can...

Ladies and gentlemen, scant few readers of this rarely updated blog, it really happened. I didn't know if America was ready, if enough people believed in the much needed change that I believe in, and yet......here we are. This is astonishing. This is magnificent. This is breathtakingly beautiful. It's been a few days, and I still find myself welling up with tears of joy - usually in the shower, listening to the BBC world news as then interview some citizen of the world who is themself welling with HOPE. I am fully aware of the largely negative world view this blog as taken of late. I am upset by it. I am not the cynic that it would seem I am. I'm sure it wasn't his actual intention, but I feel like Obama's election has effectively snapped me out of some of the bullshit I've been letting myself get away with. Of course there are other factors at play. But this event, this historic, monumental, beautiful event has done something incredible for our country - virtually overnight. On Wednesday morning, New York was a different place. We became a small town of people who actually cared about those around them. The morning commuters around me were no longer faceless obstacles between points a and b. People made eye contact. They looked up and smiled at each other. They nodded in salutation. They were neighbors again. As I understand it, this is in a way similar to the way that the city united after the 9/11 attacks. Only this time, they were united by joy, not sorrow. My roommate, one of the most beautiful people I know, upon hearing the news of victory, was photographed by countless news media outlets. Photos of the moment have been surfacing everywhere. In newspapers, blogs, slideshows - this image, this face, the new face of America is being shown. She is a face overcome with joy and awe, with a sense of pride that perhaps I will never understand, but I shall certainly try. And she is beautiful. Things are uncertain for me now, but for the first time in awhile, I can say they are happily so.
I feel that the nasty situation that has been tearing at my insides for longer than I can even admit is finally, FINALLY behind me. I feel that I have put the ill feelings towards those I have hurt and been hurt by to rest. I no longer feel the need to rehash the details or the past, or even to acknowledge them. I have finally been able to turn and walk away, and (most importantly) not look back. It feels like the weight of the world has been lifted. I have been able to open myself to new possibilities and experiences without worrying about this staggering weight I had been dragging along with me. I feel like I effectively dropped it in the river, and now it sleeps with the fishes.
And while there's not actually anything going on in my life to speak of just now, I at least feel like something could. It's amazing how much I had been holding myself back. I have quit the job. I have not found another one. I will. I'm sure I will. I'm also sure that is part of the relief I feel. Not being surrounded by the overwhelming negative energy that one person is able to produce in a day is amazingly liberating. I have made major progress on the script. I have finished some good books and plays, acquired some fantastic music, and seen some enjoyable movies. One of the things I'm most looking forward to in this current state of unemployment is freedom to attend the many screenings I would normally have to turn down. This morning, I saw Role Models, which was just so funny. David Wain's brand of humor is something I've been keen on ever since the days of The State on MTV. Remember that show? It was effin hilarious. This film is not profound or pretentious or foreign, or any of the things I tend to go for - but goddamn, it's funny. And I walked out of it feeling more lighthearted than I have in a long while. Comedy has the power to heal. I believe that. I also finally got around to watching Once on netflix today. It was a touching story, and the music was absolutely phenomenal. I had the chance to see the Swell Season perform live this summer at the Saratoga Music Festival with Bob Dylan, and I've been obsessed ever since.
So, even though I have no direction and no plan, even though I still can't pay my bills, even though one of my cats is missing, and I'm thousands of miles away from my loved ones, and there are many things I want to do but can't, I am taking a road of optimism. I am hopeful. I believe things can be better. And just believing that makes it so.

"I'm the new blue blood
I'm the Great White Hope
I'm the new blue blood
I won't fuck us over
I'm Mr. November
I'm Mr. November
I won't fuck us over."
- The National

"Every day we slaughter our finest impulses..

...That is why we get a heart-ache when we read those lines written by the hand of a master and recognize them as our own, as the tender shoots which we stifled because we lacked the faith to believe in our own powers, our own criterion of truth and beauty. Every man, when he gets quiet, when he becomes desperately honest with himself, is capable of uttering profound truths. We all derive from the same source. There is no mystery about the origin of things. We are all part of creation, all kings, all poets, all musicians; we have only to open up, to discover what is already there."

Letters, novels, plays that don't get written. The things that I've wanted to say, but have been to afraid to say. The profound sense of loss, of hurt, of despair that I have been completely numbing myself to. All of these things are swelling up inside me now for some reason, and it's all just too much. These things that I should have been over a year ago or more are just now rising to the surface. And now, I feel cheated. I feel that I never got to have that moment of release, that cathartic ending, that "last goodbye." And you know, I'm fucking angry about it. Instead, being weak, and stupid, and insecure, I allowed this destructive bullshit to continue over and over again, until it literally sucked the joy out of me. I knew I deserved more and better, and still, I settled. I allowed myself, and my home to offer sanctuary to a wandering and un-whole soul which I never had a chance of healing. So now what? How do I get what I need out of this situation? WHAT do I need out of this situation. I feel the need to hurt as I've been hurt. To emotionally wound, and stunt, and then to walk away. But what does that make me? It makes me no better than the one who hurt me. That can't be an option. I did not have that kind of anger in me before he got a hold of me. I did not wish to harm. And now I do. That is profound. That is terrifying.

I want my books back. It gnaws at me, this knowledge that precious words - words that changed me - were thoughtlessly appropriated, perhaps tossed in a box somewhere and forgotten by this person that I once cared so deeply about. How could I have been so careless with these words? How could I have been so careless with myself? I find it a saddening testament to the entire situation that I would trade every incredible moment shared, every lesson learned, every new experience, EVERYTHING - for never having known him. When I think of it, I can feel regret, and hate, and emptiness. And so, I am worse off than if we never met. Perhaps that's the most staggering realization of all.