Redbird - Lovebird

Well folks, it's true. It all happened in a flash, but aforementioned head-over-heels falling has led to the unimaginable (at least for me). Southern in the City is getting married, and for the next year or so shifting into the mode of being Southern BRIDE in the city. Wedding plans have begun, and are shaping up to be very interesting indeed! Mostly though I'm just happy about my future, and the fact that I get to spend it with the most wonderful man in the world. Heretofore, we'll just call him Bee. Check back for wedding updates and even a new indie-bride blog, in the works with a fellow lovebird. Holy crap, who woulda thought?



"I believe when I fall in love with you it will be forever..."
- Stevie Wonder

To Live is to Fly

My God, it has been a LONG LONG time since a post! So much living has happened in the last six, almost seven months! It's almost more than I can wrap my mind around. I suppose '09 started in the same sort of haze that ended '08. I snapped out of it a bit early in the year, did some soul searching, and ended up with a new tattoo. A little red swallow on my left wrist, with the world "volare" printed alongside. Latin for "fly". Reminding me, at every moment, to rise above the things that have pulled me down, and will no doubt threaten to do the same again. It reminds me that to live is to fly. Someone picked up on that recently, and I fell in love with him.

Yes. You read that correctly. Let me backtrack. In the early days of 2009, I was blindsided with the return of the boy. It wasn't a dramatic, or tearful, or violent return. It was strangely calm. We began to re-learn how to care about each other. We learned how to be friends, and how to atone for the ways in which we had wronged each other in the past, and to forgive for the ways we had been hurt. It was neccesary. He was here in the neighborhood and in my life for a few months. And in those months, a lot of wounds were healed. His struggles were his own, and not mine to shoulder. And I was finally, definitively able to end that chapter of my life. Things wrapped themselves up in a way that was settled, and clean, and just ok. It was bittersweet, but good. It was what I needed.

And then...

Life completely changed. At a time when I least expected it, I found the most perfect man in the world. He was nothing I was looking for and turned out to be everything I needed. And since that magical Little Rock wedding weekend back at the end of May, I have felt happier and more at ease than I thought life could even afford. Now don't get me wrong, it is not without its obstacles. There are complications. There is distance. But most importantly, and at the bottom of it all, there is love. I have taken a leap of faith, and he hasn't let me fall. It is the best feeling in the world. I don't ever want it to end.

In addition to being in love (or maybe, because of being in love...), life has been pretty stellar. I was fortunate to be a member of the company for "Us", in addition to working on the costumes for it. It was a spectacularly successful, and I'm happy to continue working on it. I've had some great auditions, spent really wonderful time with close friends, and I'm working on several weddings that are really important to me. I am currently getting extremely excited about the upcoming McLemore-Stratton nuptuals, as they will be another oppurtunity to celebrate friends in love, and re-unite with my nearest and dearest.

Mom just came up for a visit, a whole week in NYC! We had a wonderful time, saw two excellent shows, and the entire periphery of Manhattan, thanks to the Circle Line. It was a wonderful visit, and made me wish I got to spend more time with Nance.

So yes, life is...as close to perfect as it's been. I can't wait to see how it continues to unfold.

"Maybe you should just say 'artist'."

Sitting and waiting for bridal clients has become my new version of "weekending". That's just one of many new developments in the infancy of '09.

I am finding myself with increasingly diversified interests, occupations, and companionship. On a recent evening out in Brooklyn, with one of those companions, heretofore known simply as "The Italian", I was engaged in small talk with an acquaintance of his. It didn't take long for the dreaded "So, what do you do?" question to surface. I geared myself up for what would certainly be a long explanation. I used to say "I'm an actress." But, that seems like a bit of a stretch these days - I do some acting here and there, but it has been awhile since I've worked on a role that made me feel like it was truly my reason for living. That sounds far more depressing as I type it. I have worked in the last year, but as yet, nothing has been able to top the experience I had working on Grace in "Bride". Sad but true. So, this is not how I define my profession. It's part of it, but not all. Because you see, I'm also involved with a the RTC in an administrative capacity, and I am a Playwright, I have become something of an accessory designer...or person who glues things together and sells them, and lastly, leastly (but sadly, most lucratively) I am a bridal consultant, and sales rep. I attempted to briefly summarize my occupations as such, after which I was greeted with a blank, blinking stare and the following:

"Yeah. Maybe you should just say 'artist'."

How true, how true. I guess that would sort of sum it up. I find that when you say artist most people assume you live in a drafty industrial loft surrounded by drop cloths and paint. But I suppose, for the purposes of bar-chat with people I'll never see again, it doesn't really matter what they assume.

So, in 2009, I am calling myself an artist. I am also (hopefully more than in years past) taking advantage of my gym membership - with the current goal being to complete a half marathon in June, and get myself back down to ideal fighting weight. I've found that I've sort of let myself go in the last few months, paying little attention to how much absolute crap I've been eating. And now it's time to pay the piper. I'm a little under six weeks away from my 27th birthday (oh christ, that's late twenties), and I intend to be in considerably better physical condition when that day arrives. We shall see how I manage this.

2008 Ended on a note of financial clusterfuck. I can only hope that this improves this year. It seems to be a constantly exhaustive struggle to keep my head above water and escape creditors. Not good. At all. Here's hoping that the supplemental income generated by The Red Bird will have some kind of a positive effect on finances. Add to that the possibility of making a little money off of acting this year, and I'm feeling optimistic at least. The thing about having absolutely nothing is that you have absolutely nothing to lose. So there you go.

I'm hoping to actually be able to foster a little bit more of my development as an actor this year than I did in the last. I'm starting a scene study class on tuesday, which I am extremely excited about. I'm also joining a newly formed Shakespeare company to experiment with and workshop the work of the bard, so that is definitely exciting too. I have made a promise to myself not to let the day job stifle everything about the soul job anymore. I am also spending far more time writing than I have in a very long time. Having completed the first draft of my script, I intend to be doing a great deal more work on it in the coming weeks and months, and hopefully getting it out into the world.

On the connection with others front, I feel optimistic. I have a renewed and deepened love for old friends, and am excited to spend time with them as they are growing into these amazing adults. This seems to be the year of the engagement in my circle of friends, so I am anticipating lots of beautiful upcoming weddings in '09and beyond. I'm spending time with the people who mean the most to me whenever possible, and that feels good. I don't feel the need to be the life of the party, the center of attention, or the it girl in the room (not that I ever was). I feel mellower, picking and choosing my social engagements based on who I really want to spend time with rather than just a desire to go out and distract myself from my own shortcomings and failures. I feel like I may have pulled the final barbs of toxic relationships past out of my flesh. I feel at peace with burying their vestiges. I feel ready for new and better things.

So, although it's start was rocky, and a bit melancholy, I welcome 2009 with the best of intentions. No resolutions this year, only the effort to be the best version of myself at every turn.

Happy New Year.

Christ-Mix '08

If you're a devoted reader of this blog (or just a devoted friend of mine) then you know of my affinity for Christmas Music. It borders on shameful. This year, the mix was a tag-team undertaking, with myself and lil miss Late Bloomer tackling the beast. We were pleased with the choices and the layout, and set about turning it into a .zip and sharing it online. Somewhere in that process (because we are perhaps moderately "special"), the order of the playlist got flubbed. I don't know about these things. Nonetheless, here is the playlist (as we intended it) and the link if you wish to download. It's much more mellow, and dare I say, melancholy than any previous mix - but hey, it's a recession, and life and general has been nothing short of bittersweet in '08. Enjoy...

"All My Friends, I've Returned to Sister Winter"
1. Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers - "Christmas All Over Again"
2. Allen Toussaint - "The Day it Snows on Christmas"
3. Sufjan Stevens - "Sister Winter"
4. Jason Robert Brown - "Christmas Lullaby"
5. Dave Matthews & Tim Reynolds - "Christmas Song"
6. The Jackson 5 - Up on the Housetop
7. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation - "The jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nut house"
8. Robert Earl Keen - "Merry Christmas From The Family"
9. Kermit the Frog - "The Christmas Wish"
10. Johnny Cash - "Blue Christmas"
11. Pete Yorn - "Do They Know it's Christmas"
12. The Pogues - "Fairytale of New York"
13. Cindy Lauper - "Feels Like Christmas"
14. Calexico - "Gift X-Change"
15. Stephen Colbert - "Another Christmas Song"
16. Sufjan Stevens - "O Come, O Come Emmanuel"
17. James Taylor - "In the Bleak Midwinter"
18. Eartha Kitt - "Santa Baby"
19. Joan Osborne - "What Do Bad Girls Get?"
20. Wham - "Last Christmas (I gave you my heart)"
21. The Ramones - "Merry Christmas (I don't want to fight)"
22. Dean Martin - "I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm"
23. Bing Crosby & David Bowie - "Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy"
24. Joni Mitchell - "River"
25. Bob Dylan - "Winterlude"
26. Tom Waits - "Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis"
27. Harry Nilsson - "Remember"
28. Judy Garland - "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas"
29. Stacie Orrico - "What are You Doing New Years Eve"

link: http://www.mediafire.com/?sharekey=de4feb0d83fcd7f0d2db6fb9a8902bda

notes...
Track 3 - Absolutely haunting, I've been unable to get it out of my head.
Track 4 - From one of my favorite musicals, Songs For A New World
Tracks 7&8 - That would be, the Sessoms Family
Track 14 - Was on a mix I received last year, and although it brings to mind the bittersweet memories of lost love, it has remained one of my favorite year-round songs. And I hope he did make it home.
Tracks 16&17 - My two favorite traditional Christmas Hymns
Track 17 - Is always on my mix. RIP, Lady Kitt
Tracks 23&27 - Mom's picks. She vividly remembers watching the TV special that Bowie appeared on as a teenager, and has always loved this arrangement. You might remember 26 from the trippy animated film "The Point" which Mom had me watch countless times as a child.
Track 28 - That part of Meet Me In St. Louis always, ALWAYS makes me cry.
Track 29 - Well?

The Red Bird

Take a look at my latest creative undertaking, The Red Bird.

A collection of unique handmade accessories, using feathers and vintage materials. You can find me on Etsy at theredbirddesigns.etsy.com. Take a look, and keep checking in for more updates soon!

On a Roll!

I ran everyday this week! This is good.

"I wanna go to heaven for the weather, hell for the company...

...I wanna go to heaven for the weather, hell seems like fun to me!"
- Mike Skinner



It's completely unexplainable, but I'm just ridiculously happy these days. I imagine there are a lot of factors at play here, but the ones that I can readily name are these:

1. The absolutely perfect autumn weather, the smell of the leaves, the sunlight on the river, and the vibrant colors of the late morning into the mid-afternoon. I LOVE the fall. Just the smell and crunch and breeze of it is enough to put a huge silly perma-grin on my face.

2. Running in Astoria Park while enjoying the above. I am nowhere near the running shape that I was in last winter before I stopped training, but I'm sure I'll get there.

3. I love my home. Love it. I love spending time here, and being near good friends.

4. I'm not working at the loft anymore. It's amazing what a difference that makes.

5. I am optimistic about the coming year. I don't know why. I am completely unsure of what is happening in my life right now, but I feel like whatever is coming is good. I am thinking positively about things rather than the opposite. Why had that become my default? Ew.

6. No more artificial hormones in my body. Done with it. Didn't realize that there would be such a difference, but there is. I'm sure there will be up and down swings, but for now - UP!!!

7. Good music. It's simple, but it makes me joyful.

8. Good books. See above.

9. Time to write.

10. Sudden feeling of freedom from the metaphorical demons of my past. They are released. Good Riddance.

11. Obama. Obama. Obama.

12. Excellent friends. Closest thing to a family in this time zone.

13. Upcoming and surprising Family Vacay. I had no idea this was being plotted, and now I have a week in the sun with Mom, Dad, Chase and Janet to look forward to. Not until March, but who cares? Unless something ridiculously out of the blue happens with my career between now and then, I'll be there! I'm told I can bring a companion, provided I can secure one. They aren't holding their breath on this prospect, but we shall see. March is a long way off, and one never knows.

14. I laugh until I cry these days. I don't know how or why this started, but I feel like I'm laughing with my whole being. It looks strange, but it feels wonderful.

15. The loss of the urge to fill empty spots in my life with stuff. I don't need stuff. I have more stuff than I need. I need to give this stuff away, live simply. People, books, music, experiences - not stuff. Who cares about stuff?

16. Genuinely smiling, without feeling like I have to.

Sorry for the extremely high sap-quotient. Haven't felt like this in a long time, maybe ever in my adult life. I'm just...happy. Not happy contingent on another person, not happy based on others perceptions. Happy with myself. Happy with my insanely flawed and yet blessed life. Holy Lord, it's nice.

Yes We Can...

Ladies and gentlemen, scant few readers of this rarely updated blog, it really happened. I didn't know if America was ready, if enough people believed in the much needed change that I believe in, and yet......here we are. This is astonishing. This is magnificent. This is breathtakingly beautiful. It's been a few days, and I still find myself welling up with tears of joy - usually in the shower, listening to the BBC world news as then interview some citizen of the world who is themself welling with HOPE. I am fully aware of the largely negative world view this blog as taken of late. I am upset by it. I am not the cynic that it would seem I am. I'm sure it wasn't his actual intention, but I feel like Obama's election has effectively snapped me out of some of the bullshit I've been letting myself get away with. Of course there are other factors at play. But this event, this historic, monumental, beautiful event has done something incredible for our country - virtually overnight. On Wednesday morning, New York was a different place. We became a small town of people who actually cared about those around them. The morning commuters around me were no longer faceless obstacles between points a and b. People made eye contact. They looked up and smiled at each other. They nodded in salutation. They were neighbors again. As I understand it, this is in a way similar to the way that the city united after the 9/11 attacks. Only this time, they were united by joy, not sorrow. My roommate, one of the most beautiful people I know, upon hearing the news of victory, was photographed by countless news media outlets. Photos of the moment have been surfacing everywhere. In newspapers, blogs, slideshows - this image, this face, the new face of America is being shown. She is a face overcome with joy and awe, with a sense of pride that perhaps I will never understand, but I shall certainly try. And she is beautiful. Things are uncertain for me now, but for the first time in awhile, I can say they are happily so.
I feel that the nasty situation that has been tearing at my insides for longer than I can even admit is finally, FINALLY behind me. I feel that I have put the ill feelings towards those I have hurt and been hurt by to rest. I no longer feel the need to rehash the details or the past, or even to acknowledge them. I have finally been able to turn and walk away, and (most importantly) not look back. It feels like the weight of the world has been lifted. I have been able to open myself to new possibilities and experiences without worrying about this staggering weight I had been dragging along with me. I feel like I effectively dropped it in the river, and now it sleeps with the fishes.
And while there's not actually anything going on in my life to speak of just now, I at least feel like something could. It's amazing how much I had been holding myself back. I have quit the job. I have not found another one. I will. I'm sure I will. I'm also sure that is part of the relief I feel. Not being surrounded by the overwhelming negative energy that one person is able to produce in a day is amazingly liberating. I have made major progress on the script. I have finished some good books and plays, acquired some fantastic music, and seen some enjoyable movies. One of the things I'm most looking forward to in this current state of unemployment is freedom to attend the many screenings I would normally have to turn down. This morning, I saw Role Models, which was just so funny. David Wain's brand of humor is something I've been keen on ever since the days of The State on MTV. Remember that show? It was effin hilarious. This film is not profound or pretentious or foreign, or any of the things I tend to go for - but goddamn, it's funny. And I walked out of it feeling more lighthearted than I have in a long while. Comedy has the power to heal. I believe that. I also finally got around to watching Once on netflix today. It was a touching story, and the music was absolutely phenomenal. I had the chance to see the Swell Season perform live this summer at the Saratoga Music Festival with Bob Dylan, and I've been obsessed ever since.
So, even though I have no direction and no plan, even though I still can't pay my bills, even though one of my cats is missing, and I'm thousands of miles away from my loved ones, and there are many things I want to do but can't, I am taking a road of optimism. I am hopeful. I believe things can be better. And just believing that makes it so.

"I'm the new blue blood
I'm the Great White Hope
I'm the new blue blood
I won't fuck us over
I'm Mr. November
I'm Mr. November
I won't fuck us over."
- The National

"Every day we slaughter our finest impulses..

...That is why we get a heart-ache when we read those lines written by the hand of a master and recognize them as our own, as the tender shoots which we stifled because we lacked the faith to believe in our own powers, our own criterion of truth and beauty. Every man, when he gets quiet, when he becomes desperately honest with himself, is capable of uttering profound truths. We all derive from the same source. There is no mystery about the origin of things. We are all part of creation, all kings, all poets, all musicians; we have only to open up, to discover what is already there."

Letters, novels, plays that don't get written. The things that I've wanted to say, but have been to afraid to say. The profound sense of loss, of hurt, of despair that I have been completely numbing myself to. All of these things are swelling up inside me now for some reason, and it's all just too much. These things that I should have been over a year ago or more are just now rising to the surface. And now, I feel cheated. I feel that I never got to have that moment of release, that cathartic ending, that "last goodbye." And you know, I'm fucking angry about it. Instead, being weak, and stupid, and insecure, I allowed this destructive bullshit to continue over and over again, until it literally sucked the joy out of me. I knew I deserved more and better, and still, I settled. I allowed myself, and my home to offer sanctuary to a wandering and un-whole soul which I never had a chance of healing. So now what? How do I get what I need out of this situation? WHAT do I need out of this situation. I feel the need to hurt as I've been hurt. To emotionally wound, and stunt, and then to walk away. But what does that make me? It makes me no better than the one who hurt me. That can't be an option. I did not have that kind of anger in me before he got a hold of me. I did not wish to harm. And now I do. That is profound. That is terrifying.

I want my books back. It gnaws at me, this knowledge that precious words - words that changed me - were thoughtlessly appropriated, perhaps tossed in a box somewhere and forgotten by this person that I once cared so deeply about. How could I have been so careless with these words? How could I have been so careless with myself? I find it a saddening testament to the entire situation that I would trade every incredible moment shared, every lesson learned, every new experience, EVERYTHING - for never having known him. When I think of it, I can feel regret, and hate, and emptiness. And so, I am worse off than if we never met. Perhaps that's the most staggering realization of all.

"Something slow has sparked up in me"

It's been months since I've felt like writing, like breathing, like waking to possibilities that are anything but terrifying, like feeling something, like taking a chance, like being myself...

It's been months since anything has sparked up in me. I've been sleepwalking, it seems. I've not been here. I mean, I have. But I haven't felt that I was present for the last, oh, I don't know, three months...six months...year of my life.

And now, for some reason, now, today, I feel the faintest hint of something happening. It is small. It is barely discernible, but it is there.

I have awakened to find that some things have happened, and some things haven't. Things have changed, and things have stayed the same. With the exception of a few conversations, and of course, the concerts, the entire summer is a blur. A couple of gut-punch emails, stolen moments with dear friends at home, becoming entranced by live music, meaningless encounters with people I will most likely never see again. These are the things that briefly shift into focus when I try to glean some meaning from the void. The books I've read seem more real to me than my everyday life - my thoughts align themselves in Miller-esque passages. I am aware of the self-indulgence in this, the pseudo-intellectual bullshit of it, the cowardice in adopting another's voice. I find myself daydreaming about his overuse of the word 'adroitly' when referring to anything a woman might do to his prick. And then about his overuse of the word 'prick'. I almost hate myself for how much I love reading him. It's a little sick. I hope no one is reading over my shoulder on the train. It's ridiculous.

I find myself the owner of two completely dysfunctional cats. Obese, anti-social, and (based on their habits of excretion) clearly in need of psychoanalysis from Freud himself. And now, even though they offer me little in the way of companionship or happiness, I feel i am stuck with them. They sort of suit me in their neuroses. They are my kind of crazy. And, their combined weight is almost the same as that of a grown man, so at least when they're sleeping in my bed, it's a little less obvious that no one else is. Jesus.

The country seems to be crumbling around us. Society as we know it is changing, and America is not ready to change with it. We want what we want and we want it now. We've been operating on an inflated sense of credit for so long that we've actually managed to tear down our own financial structure (I am equally guilty). Our image in the rest of the world is a disgrace. No one has health care. At least no one in a boat which remotely resembles mine. I'm faintly placing hope in Obama, but don't envy him the job of captaining a sinking ship. Balls. When did my world view become so goddamned cynical? Am I just being realistic?

What's the point of all this? Hell if I know. But I feel a change coming, and right now, a change of any kind can be nothing but good. So, here I am, blooming in the Autumn of the year, while everything else is doing the opposite. I have quit my stifling job. I will re-begin training for the marathon promptly tomorrow morning (with a companion this time, so it's harder to say "fuck it"). I am finishing a script. I am going into the world completely unsure of how I'm going to live and pay for things, but more optimistic in spite of it than I have been about a steady paycheck for the last year. I have re-invented myself yet again. This time with a hipster haircut and a plan for a new tattoo. A new house in queens. A fresh coat of paint. Not a blind leap into the unknown, but at least a first tentative step. I want to feel something again. Anything. I'm ready to shake the emptiness left by the boy who ruined me. I'm tired of numbing myself to make it through the day. I want to laugh. I want to burst into tears. I want to find someone or something that I'm excited about again. So, damaged and self-sabotaged as I am, my battle wounds and I are no longer sleeping it off.

holy balls

i haven't blogged in forever.

mercury in retrograde

ok, so i'm still not entirely sure what that entails, but whilst catching the train uptown with mags tonight i looked at her and asked, "dude, why is everything and everyone just all fucked up right now?" she didn't have an answer, but she did share my sentiment. everything and everyone i come in contact with now is in the oddest state of upheaval, or uncertainty, or unexplainable wierdness. it defies logic and reason. it's all too damn much at the same time. and i feel like we're all just going to have to ride it out, and take notes for future stories along the way...

i just want to live a fairly un-complicated life and spend it doing the things that bring me joy. i want to see the people i love doing the same. i want to share the good that is in me with the good that is in another. why is that so difficult to achieve?

mercury, knock it off. we've all had enough struggle to last us a good long while.

Escape from Bridal Hell

...is nearly upon me!

This time tomorrow, I'll be heading to La Guardia for a flight down to kick it with Trent in sunny Florida for a few days. I can't even begin to describe how excited I am to be getting far away from here for awhile. The very prospect of not showing up to work for 5 seqential days is vacation enough in itself. I'm base-tanned, landscaped, and will be counting down the seconds of my last day at work today.

In other news - I'm going to do a little acting in the new Nora Ephron film. This one also stars Meryl Streep and Amy Adams (same as Doubt, which I find a bit strange.) It's Julie & Julia, with Streep as Julia Child. I'm playing an American Ambassador's wife at an Embassy dinner in Paris, 1950's. My costume makes me look like Joan Crawford. I'm not nearly as thrilled as I was for Doubt...but I am getting a SAG waiver for it, which is a pretty sweet deal in my book.

I'm still in a raging battle with Chase Bank to fix a mistake they made about two months ago. I feel that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Also, the last time I went in to make a deposit, the dude supervising the tellers tried to pick me up. It was the strangest experience ever. He lured me to his desk with the excuse of adding bounce protection to my account, and then used the oppurtunity to chat for an awkwardly uncomfortable stretch of time. He actually asked me at one point, "So, do you come here often?" Uh, yeah. It's the bank, and it's 10am. Don't use bar-lines on me at the bank. It's creepy.

Let's see...what else...

There's painfully little to report. My social life has completely fizzled of late. It's my own fault, and something needs to be done. I think I'm still sort of mourning the loss of something. I've been laying low from most of my friends, save my college friends and lovely roommate. I think I've just been in need of a break from my entire existence. It happens to everyone, right? I feel that this little trip might just be enough to get me back to myself. It's an exciting prospect...

And, we're back!

So, it seems that for me, this year officially began on March 1st...not January 1st. I don't really have an explanation for why this is the case, but I'll take it. I didn't have the feeling of resolve, of a new beginning, of a fresh start, until that first day of March. So here I find myself with a new outlook, a new lease on life, so to speak, and the suprising optimisim to get it all underway.

March 1st brought many changes my way, all of them implemented from within. I spent the first two months of 2008 sort of ignoring things and floating along, taking it as it came, but not really putting down roots of any kind. I suppose it was about two and a half weeks ago, when I said hello to my 26th year, that I began to see the need to climb out of this hole I've sort of been wallowing in and take control of my life....

...

and now it's not march 1st, but rather, march 23rd. easter sunday. and here i find myself a bit renewed. i won't say it's a reluctant renewal - because i've definitely needed it. i've been unhappy lately. dare i say, extremely unhappy. i've been working for about 6 months at a job that i despise. i've (mostly due to the hated job) been unable to do anything that i feel is actually worthwhile for my creative life. i no longer consider myself an actor, which is terrifying. i seem to be "in a relationship" of some kind. although, it's not neccesarily the realtionship i want to be in - it's something that i enjoy, but not at all something that i feel passionate about. had i not had the passionate relationship in the past, maybe i would be satisfied with this. but i have, and i'm not. is that bitchy? probably. but it's true. so here i am, springtime in nyc and depressed as all hell. feeling numb, artistically stifled, trapped in a bullshit job, and watered down in a bland relationship. nice, right?

so, i went to mass today. i had easter brunch with my roommate, whom i love. i had easter dinner with (of all people) pittman, whom i also love. we talked about everything under the sun, from the demise of our former relationship, to our current ones, to what we've thought and felt in all of the time in between. he asked me about the guy i'm currently seeing. the nice one. who happens to be his boss. he also asked me about the other guy. the one heretofore referred to as "the boy". the one that still, no matter what, leaves me a little breathless, a little fluttery, a little weak in the knees just thinking about him. i almost felt guilty as i explained to him that i feel like that boy may in fact be the love of my life. and no, i'm not with him. and perhaps i never will be. but i still feel more for him than i have before or since for anyone else. it's not ideal or normal or healthy or functional...but it is something. it is something incredibly relevant in my life.

and everyone i know hates him. they've all completely written him off as a human being. they are appaled and disgusted by the fact that i haven't. i don't know how to explain that i probably never will.

so that's one huge aspect. then there's the artistic, which is stifled. i'm apparently writing this play. it's not getting done. i have the best of intentions for it to be finished and fabulous, but i never have the time or the drive to achieve it. i need a desk. somewhere to write other than on my lap in my bed. one's bed and office shouldn't be the same place. i'm not really participating in the company's latest major undertaking. i want to be, but it seems there's not reallly a place for me to fit into things. that sucks too, but oh well.

...

And here we are again, and Jesus Christ, it's April 21st already. The Beckett has been done, as has the Japanese Suffering, a couple of student films, and some here and thereish auditions (including one today, which totally tanked.) I sort of backed out of the less than exciting relationship, although I can't say I did it gracefully. I'm still not getting any writing done, but at least I'm aware of it. I'm planning to quit the job, but I'm not sure when or how. Waiting around for something better to come along doesn't seem to be working out. So this post seems to just be an overview of the first quarter (EEEK) of 2008. Hell, I had to get something up here.

Mom and Dad are in France. I'm jealous. I'm going to run away to Florida to hang out with Trent and generally get the hell out of town for awhile. Why Florida, you ask? It's remarkably cheap to get there.

Let's see...what else...my house is sort of a huge wreck, but I finally feel like doing something about it...slowly. I want to get rid of a lot of crap again.

The Pope was here this weekend. My roomate got to go see him at Yankee Stadium, I on the other hand was adversely affected by his presence in the form of Papal traffic delays.

My best friend eloped. In Vegas. I'm still disappointed that there seemed to be a complete lack of Elvises (Elvi?) at the proceedings. She is now officially kicking the shit out of me in the unspoken wedding competition that doesn't actually exist. She's undefeated, 2 and 0. I suck at getting married. I'm pretty okay with that.

I think I shall just post this damn thing, and perhaps pepper it with photos of the up-till-now variety at some point. Enjoy, my three readers.

Sparse and Infrequent

It's been awhile, I'm very tired, and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

A few updates:

-I had an incredibly inspiring day on the set of Doubt yesterday. Have now been officially bitten by the movie bug. Must do more.

-Beckett is making me happy.

-The boy is on the officiall shit-list again.

-The running is down the drain, but scheduled to restart next week. It's just sooooooo damn cold.

-I'm dating a new guy. Very very nice guy. We shall see where it goes.

-Seeing Ben Nichols tonight.

-The job still really really blows. A lot. Need a way out.

Gonna sleep for an hour now.

SPOKE TOO SOON

travel bullshit. i hate delta. i hate chase bank.

i wanna throttle someone. for real.

i'm gonna go unpack all the shit i need to get ready to leave the house at 2:30 in the morning and try this shit all over again.

I'll be home for Christmas

You can plan on me.

Heading to the airport in a mere few hours, and I'm so happy I can hardly stand it.

There is much packing to do, much cleaning to do, and I'd like to get my hair trimmed if my girl is in today...

We shall see. Regardless, this time tomorrow, I'll be waking up in Arkansas. I hope.

Best Christmas present ever.

like death

food poisoning. or stomach flu. or something else equally unpleasant.

errgghhh. gahd. balls.

vom and trots and abdominal cramping and sweating and fever and...oh jesus.

no relief all day. none whatsoever.

It's the Holiday Season...

And I'm officially awful.

I'm hitting up parties and shindigs and festive soirees like, every other day. And this means - spending more money than I should/have on drinks and food and cabs and such. Awful.

It also means, being too sleep-deprived/cold/just plain lazy to do any running. Also, the joints are REEEEEAAAALLLLLY unhappy with the shoes right now, so I've sorta cut back for the time being. Lousy excuse, I know. Awful.

Aaaannnnd, it means that my "Holiday Cheer" has maybe kinda sorta crossed over into the realm of Holiday forgiveness...or of, um...Holiday weakness...or of, i don't know, Holiday "oh, what the hell-ness". And I've fallen off the wagon. Awful.

But not that awful. All of it is kinda fun actually. None of it is good for me, but all of it is certainly fun...for now.

Runnin' Down a Dream

I'm still running down a dream. Coincidentally, that's another of the songs on my running mix that really gets me going. So far this week I've clocked about ten miles.

A long 4.5 on monday, impressive considering the shoddy start to my week. I logged these miles on the treadmill at the gym, because it was rainy out. It was boring and all of the numbers on the machine really weren't good for my neurotic tendencies. Running on the treadmill has several drawbacks. First, I really get a sense of how slow I actually am. Second, it's surrounded by mirrors, which I can't ignore (and it's not like I look good). Third, I immediately feel as though I must compete with the pace/time/calorie count/ of the runners on either side of me. Fourth, I'm not getting anywhere. Fifth, my excessive sweating is on brightly-lit display.

Of course there are benefits as well. I run faster on the treadmill. If I feel like running a ten-minute-mile, all I have to do is bump the thing up to six mph and hang in there. I can see how many calories i'm burning, which isn't actually that important to me, but at least when i'm running nowhere I can derive some sort of satisfaction from knowing that I just eliminated a hefty chunk of the day's caloric intake. Other than that...I guess it's easier on my joints than the esplanade is. Mmmm, esplanade.

I took tuesday off, and made wednesday a really easy short run (because I was pressed for time), compensating by climing up and down the six flights at home at least ten times for the sake of the laundry.

Wednesday night I went to the screening of The Savages, and afterward listened to three incredible actors and a magnificent director talk about their craft in a way that made me so joyful I cried. The words and phrases the used, and the passion with which they expressed themselves was so akin to the way that I feel and articulate that it took my breath away. And then I said to myself "I can't keep working this bread job". I can't keep doing something that keeps me from doing the something I came here to do. Do you follow? Then I went to P.J. Clarkes and ate a delicious sit-like-a-stone-in-my-belly bacon cheeseburger. Effectively negating at least a week of training.

Tonight was another good jag at the esplanade. Did I just say jag? Who does that? Jesus. My blood sugar must be low. Anyway, 4 miles or so today, and not quite as cold as my last long run outside. OH! And my new baby ipod is here! It was MUCH better to run with. I'm still enjoying my new mix, interspersed with lots of Christmas music (Run DMC's "Christmas in Hollis" really gets me going).

This leads me to my desperate plea. Dear friends, please oh please, send me music to run to. I don't care how you do it - a cd, a playlist, a comment with "hey, put [insert track here] on your running mix", anything. I find that once my body realizes that it can keep moving, it's really the songs that keep me from stopping. So, help a sister out. Send me some love, via Sly and the Family Stone, or whatever it is that works for you.

Please? Thank you.